While many enjoyed this spring break in various sunny and beautiful places around the world, swimming with dolphins, drinking rum out of a coconut, or doing whatever else you did while probably half-drunk and very tan (do I sound jealous?), the not-so-lucky went home to parents, boring towns, and yes – their jobs. A week in a restaurant is like a year in one of the middle layers of hell, and I’m ready for a break from my break now, please and thank you.
1. Why are the cooks always angry?
It’s like, I get it, buddy. You want to get home to your family. I get that. I haven’t seen my mom in three days. We’re all in this together. Also, I know that the steaks are pre-seasoned, but when the customer asked if they could get one without seasoning, I didn’t think, “Sorry, our head chef will throw a fit if I ask him to do that” would be a good response. Please don’t throw a baked potato at my head. Again.
2. Those people who leave $5, no matter the bill.
Thank you. Really. Thank you so much. You ordered drinks, an appetizer, entrées, and dessert, then proceeded to occupy the best table in my section for half the night. I am glad that you valued my time and laughter even at your kind-of-strange and awkward jokes at 5 whole dollars. That’s 20 quarters! What phone bill?
3. “I know it’s not on the menu, but they did it for me before."
BREAKING: The menu is actually only a suggestion! It’s just a list of some fun ideas if you’re stuck and don’t know what to order! We actually encourage you to create your own dishes that we don’t have pricing for or buttons for in the computers.
4. Your friends hate going out to eat with you.
You and your friends decide to do dinner on one of your rare nights off. Step 1: You inspect each book to make sure these people you call your friends left an adequate amount for tip. Step 2: If not, guilt trip until corrected.
5. What’s a holiday?
Ah yes, Thanksgiving. I get to see my family and eat potatoes in various forms until I look like one, and…Oh. No. I don’t. I forgot that ended before the industry took over my life. I’ll be watching happy families gnaw on turkey legs for 10 hours if you need me.
6. When there’s a new table in your section every time you walk out with drinks.
Triple seat me again, hostess, I dare ya.
7. When the shift you picked up goes horribly, but you have no one to blame but yourself.
What can go wrong will go wrong. It’s dead. The few tables you did have didn’t get the memo that tipping 10 percent isn’t standard anymore. You could be lying in bed right now watching Criminal Minds, but no, you just had to be a nice person. Never again.
8. When nothing is timed right.
You see the hostess seating you while you’re waiting for drinks from the bartender who is ignoring you. At the same time, you’re getting buzzed for hot food, and you have a table waiting for dessert. Quit while you’re ahead; throw yourself in the fryer.
9. When your manager is sure that it’s going to pick up, but everyone else knows it isn’t.
When there’s nothing to do: *Does nothing* *Gets yelled at for it*
10. When you dare to ask for a day off and you’re punished for the next six years.
You: Can I please get Saturday, two months from now, off?
Manager: A Saturday? You know you need to give us at least a year’s notice and also sacrifice your first-born son, so I’m going to have to say no.
