Chelsea Handler is my spirit animal. She's smart, hilarious and one hell of a feminist. Ever since her talk show Chelsea Lately premiered, her often controversial jokes and free-spirit attitude has helped her bash double-standards and reinvent traditional comedy. Chelsea's books have brought me to tears (from laughter) and her new Netflix show, Chelsea Does, is almost as informative as it is hilarious. When she isn't working, she's probably naked somewhere petting her ridiculously cute dogs. Despite her raging alcoholism, uncensored profanity and questionable morals, Chelsea is undoubtedly my role model.
1. "Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself."
Chelsea gets a lot of hate for making fun of people. I don't see it as a problem because she makes fun of everyone, especially herself. If you can laugh at yourself, you're automatically twice as fun to be around.
2. "You just be honest about who you are, and if you don’t end up with any friends, then good for you."
Chelsea's brutal honesty attracts inevitable critique from the press, but she's just saying what we're all thinking.
3. "A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim."
We all know she'll be topless anyways!
4. “Vomit and feces are two reasons I have decided not to procreate.”
As much as I'd love little Chelsea babies running around, it's probably best she stays single and childless. No man deserves her anyways.
5. “Sleep is my friend and is the only place in this world where I don’t get into fights with other people.”
I feel this on an emotional level. Sleep is loyal, dependable, and priceless.
6. “There’s a difference between being a class act and being classy. Peeing off the side of a jeep doesn’t mean you’re not classy, it just means you’re a free spirit with a small bladder.”
Holding it in and peeing in the toilet is so last year.
7. “Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along? And by the way, here's a newsflash, Hammertoes. Nobody wants to marry me, anyway.”
Only in my wildest dreams am I 41 years old, happily single, and a fraction as cool as Chelsea Handler.
8. “The great thing about rejection is that it doesn't matter how many times you get rejected. All that needs to happen is if for one person to tell you 'yes' and then everybody else can go f*** themselves.”
Another one of her fabulous traits; seeing the glass half full.
9. “Why are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? Babies are permitted to act like assholes whenever they feel like it and no one blinks...”
Babies really do live the dream. They eat with their hands, take daily naps and it's socially acceptable for them to cry in public.
10. “You should always speak your mind and be bold and obnoxious and do whatever you want and don't let anybody tell you to stop it.”
Amen, sister.
