Not all songs are created equally, unfortunately. There are songs with great music and lyrics that leave no holes in which it can be ridiculed. On the flip side, there are songs that are pleasurable to the ears, but make you realize it is not that great of a song once you look more deeply into it. The following songs are great examples of the second scenario. The songs chosen are solely the opinion of the author (although I have had correct opinions in the past).
1. We Built This City- Starship
Bernie Taupin, better known as Elton John's lyricist, penned the words to this 1980s classic. Not that bad of a song, right? Wrong! Personally, I can listen to this song over and over, but I will admit some of the lyrics are questionable. "Marconi plays the mamba..." How in the world do you play a mamba? Better yet, why would you want to play a mamba? If you love the thrill of dying, then by all means. But seriously, who would? Legendary Jefferson Airplane, Jefferson Starship, and Starship vocalist Grace Slick regarded the song as "awful" and one she deeply regretted recording. Despite the critical backlash and hilarious music video, the song peaked at number one on the Billboard charts in 1985.
2. Never Gonna Give You Up- Rick Astley
"We're no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I." Hopefully, by now, you can tell it is the beginning of a cheesy 80s pop song (the chorus says it all). Yes, you have just been Rickrolled! English singer Rick Astley recorded this number one hit in 1986 and has often been parodied in pop culture. Despite the music video's less-than-masterful storytelling, the video has cultivated the phenomenon known as "Rickrolling" and various memes of the music video still capture our imaginations.
3. Shiny Happy People- R.E.M.
The title of the song itself may force you to find the nearest restroom and vomit profusely from its pretentious and overly optimistic nature. R.E.M.'s Michael Stipe shares vocals on this early 1990s hit with the B-52s's Kate Pierson and the song is very catchy. Despite being a top 10 hit, every R.E.M. member ultimately hated the song and refused to include it on future greatest hits albums and have not performed it live except on a Saturday Night Live appearance. Guitarist Peter Buck does not even smile in the music video! I admire the song's upbeat qualities, but it is, by far, the wussiest song I have ever heard.
4. Afternoon Delight- Starland Vocal Band
Never heard of Starland Vocal Band? That is probably a good thing. The group's one-hit wonder with "Afternoon Delight" will have you deeply mesmerized with its vocal harmonies, but will also have you trying to hold back laughter from the song's subject matter. Innuendos such as "rubbing sticks and stones together make the sparks ignite" and "going to grab some afternoon delight" perfectly describes what happens when a mommy and daddy love each other, but the music, unfortunately, does not compliment the mood needed for that tender moment. The harmonies alone are what makes this song listenable.
5. The Safety Dance- Men Without Hats
First, it seems ironic that a group called Men Without Hats would write a song called "The Safety Dance." Hats can provide plenty of protection (except maybe for a Boeing 747 crashing on the spot you stand). The song is the Canadian new wave band's signature tune and you can hear it at most dance parties. The only flaw with this song is its accompanying music video. The video's setting is at, of all places, a Renaissance fair, which is completely anachronistic to the song. Music videos are free to have their own imaginations, but I guess the boys had a little too much mead at the fair when they came up with this one. It is still a fun song for multiple listens, however.
6. The Final Countdown- Europe
If the album cover is not enough to hint at the pomposity this song has, then I do not know what does. The Swedish group's 1986 hit is instantly recognizable by its signature keyboard riff and perfectly defines what an 80s hair band was capable of accomplishing. The song has seen its fair share in pop culture including appearances in the television comedy Arrested Development and more recently in a Geico commercial (most appropriately with the band performing the song while someone's lunch is almost finished heating up in a microwave). Whenever you are in the mood to listen to a classic 1980s power song, this song is perfect since it is so awesomely bad!
7. Total Eclipse of the Heart- Bonnie Tyler
Songwriter Jim Steinman, best known for his collaborations with Meat Loaf (who has a song later on this list), wrote "Total Eclipse of the Heart" for Welsh singer Bonnie Tyler in 1983. Tyler's husky vocals and the epic ballad, dreamlike music is enough for multiple listens, but the music video is just flat out creepy. In the video, Tyler is clad in a white dress and apparently owns a boys' boarding school as the video contains multiple shots of her imagining the students dancing and playing various sports. The song became a number one hit and is considered Tyler's best. It is a great song...without the music video as context.
8. Tubthumping- Chumbawumba
As one of the songs many of us grew up to during the 1990s, "Tubthumping" is a notable song whose content has absolutely nothing to do with its title. It probably is not the best motivational song as it encourages its listeners to "piss the night away" and to try different alcoholic beverages such as a whisky drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink, and a cider drink. But, man, is the song catchy or what? "Tubthumping" is Chumbawumba's best known song and keeps saying that if you get knocked down, then you can always get up again (just do not do it the way the song wants it done). All in all, it is an awesomely bad 90s song.
9. I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)- Meat Loaf
Born Marvin Lee Aday, Meat Loaf has had success with the albums Bat Out of Hell and its sequel, Bat Out of Hell II: Back into Hell. Songwriter Jim Steinman makes another appearance on this list since he penned all of the songs for both albums, but it is "I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)" that sums up his bombastic music and lyrics perfect for Meat Loaf's overly dramatic vocals. The song itself runs around 12 minutes long (talk about excess) and yet we never know what Meat Loaf won't do for love. At least the Michael Bay directed music video has a Beauty and the Beast storyline (no explosions or overuse of special effects, shockingly enough). Despite the song's flaws, a trimmed single version reached number one in 28 countries upon release in 1993.
10. Sussudio- Phil Collins
The 1985 hit "Sussudio" first begs the question, "What in the world is a Sussudio?" Collins claimed he came up with the song title after messing around with a drum machine while making No Jacket Required, his best-selling album to date. So maybe if I watched paint dry or listened to a washing machine with no inspired purpose, I could come up with a ridiculous song title. Thanks, Mr. Collins! But in all seriousness, Collins is one of my favorite artists and "Sussudio" is an infectious pop tune that deserves many listens. Despite criticisms about it sounding too much like Prince's "1999" or heavy use of a horn section, "Sussudio" can bring life to a dance party, and I say that with the utmost sincerity.
Honorable Mention: Kokomo- The Beach Boys
Ok, so I have to add one more song to the mix. Remember the quality songs of the Beach Boys such as "California Girls," "Don't Worry Baby," and "God Only Knows?" Well, you will not find that in the group's 1988 number one hit "Kokomo." The song is about a couple making romantic getaways to Aruba, Jamaica (oh I want to take ya), Bermuda, Bahama (come on, pretty mama), Key Largo, Montego, and, finally, Kokomo. Personally, I would be tired of the excursions just after leaving the house based on this "island" ditty. The song tied into the Tom Cruise film Cocktail and its music video even has Jesse from Full House in it (a.k.a. John Stamos)! I still personally like the song, but its chorus forever gloats about places not many people will step foot into during their lifetime. The Beach Boys should never have gone for the high class crowd. Stick to the surfing crowd, please.
