Recently, I had the pleasure (Or rather, displeasure), of traveling on an airplane. Let me start off by saying this: It’s nothing like the Hollywood movies make it out to be, where fellow travelers and flight attendants always have the brightest personalities, the seats look as comfy as clouds, and the food looks like it came straight out of Grandma’s kitchen. The reality? It’s the exact opposite. Since I could probably write a 30-page research paper in MLA format with citations on why I hate air travel, I narrowed it down to the top 10 things that annoy me the most when I’m forced to fly.
1. The trouble starts before I get on the plane at airport security. Ok, I perfectly understand why we need airport security and I am thankful that we do have it. However, some of the procedures are absolutely ridiculous. Not only do I have to take my shoes off when I go through the metal detector, but I ALWAYS seem to set it off for no apparent reason. Next thing you know, security guards are pulling me aside like I’m some kind of criminal and start giving me a pat-down—which is like one step away from being assaulted with the way they clamp their hands down on your arms and legs. But it doesn’t end there! I’m then forced to empty my pockets and have my hands swabbed with a bomb-powder detecting thingamabob (or whatever the proper name for it is) before I’m finally released from “custody” and allowed to go on my merry little way to the airport gate. Oh, and don’t be fooled by the cute little airport canines that come around—you’re not allowed to pet them, and they’re there for the sole purpose of sniffing your bags and behinds for drugs.
2. And it continues at the airport gate. Usually it starts off by the boarding crew telling you that they’re going to start boarding passengers at 9:00 AM sharp, then it’s 9:15 and they have yet to call the first group for boarding. Speaking of groups, it’s so annoying how they board the planes—passengers are arranged into five groups, no matter where our seats are. We’re lined up like cattle and the boarding crew starts with group one and ends with group five. And for whatever reason, I’m always placed in group four or five. Not to mention there is always that one idiot in group five that tries to sneak into group one so they can board faster. Although it is quite humorous watching the passenger get frustrated when the boarding crew member tells them that they have to wait on the mile long lines like everybody else. But the process takes at least half an hour, if not more.
3. I feel like a sardine in the airplane seats. Now I’m not really sure if the seats are getting smaller or if my backside is just getting bigger (I’ll go with the first one, wink wink) but the seats are so close together that passengers are practically sitting on top of one another, to the point where I could give somebody a black eye if I lift my arm up. Even in the wider planes, there is about a half-inch of space between seats. And just my luck, I either get stuck near someone coughing and hacking up a lung, someone whose breath could knock a cow over, or worse—I get stuck in a middle seat between those two types of passengers. It also doesn’t help that the seats are made of concrete (Well, not really, but it feels like it).
4. The safety instruction video. If you’re a frequent flyer like me, you can probably recite the safety procedures and what to do in case of a crash-landing. I think what annoys me most about the video is that the flight attendants (or the actors, rather) act too friendly and smile constantly. First of all, flight attendants are not that friendly in real life. Second of all, I highly doubt I’m going to be smiling if I’m in the middle of a crash landing and have to blow up a life vest. And third, towards the end of the video when they tell you to enjoy your flight. If I’m stuck in the middle of Mr. Cow Patties and Mr. Piece Of My Lung (Janis Joplin reference, anyone?) I’M NOT GOING TO HAVE A NICE FLIGHT. DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
5. You seem to sit on the runway for an eternity before finally taking off. The way airports work is, the minute the plane leaves the gate, you’re considered departed. I really think that the status should be changed to “Still on the Freaking Runway” since you sit there for half an hour before takeoff. And then there’s that awful feeling of when you think you’re about to takeoff, but the pilot teases you and you continue to mosey along the runway.
6. That adrenaline rush you get when the plane is speeding up to take flight. I’m sure everyone knows what I’m talking about, right? I actually enjoy that feeling. But that feeling disappears the minute I liftoff into the air—especially when I’m going to be stuck on a plane for an extended period of time, like 10+ hours. Because once I ascend into the air, I sit there thinking, “Now what am I supposed to do for the next 10 hours?” (You could do what I did and watch three consecutive movies, sleep, and play Yahtzee).
7. The (lack of) food. Most of your major airlines don’t even give you so much as a bag of peanuts anymore without having to pay $10 for it. But if you do happen to use an airline that offers a meal, don’t expect filet mignon and lobster tail. Based on what I have previously ben served, you can expect a turkey sandwich the size of your fist—which consists of dry turkey strips with absolutely no flavor, wilted lettuce, and a roll that you can crack your two front teeth on. However, I will say that the snack boxes they offer are somewhat decent—if you’re willing to pay $15 for one, that is. (I completely passed on that opportunity and decided to bring my own Italian sub sandwich, which tasted 20 times better).
8. The bathrooms. If you ever find yourself having to use the bathroom on an airplane, I feel your pain. Those things are not only dark and germ-ridden, but they’re the size of small storage closets—I barely have any room to stand up straight rather than squat and do my business. And when you push the button to flush the toilet, it’s unnecessarily loud. As somebody that hates loud noises, I found myself kicking the button and sticking my index fingers in my ears so I wouldn’t have to listen to the loud WHOOSH of the toilet. (Which, by the way, can be heard outside of the bathroom if your seats happen to be close enough). I felt like I was in the American Revolution setting off fire cannons. Don’t even get me started on when the turbulence kicks in—it always seems to start when I’m in the bathroom, and I always end up whacking my head on the wall.
9. Babies on board. Don’t get me wrong—I LOVE babies. But not when they’re on board a flight with me. The newborns constantly cry and scream, which is a huge inconvenience for me if I’m trying to get some shuteye. And then there’s the toddlers that sit behind you and won’t stop kicking the back of your seat. And God for bid you say something to the parents—they’ll hug and kiss their child and give YOU the dirty look, like YOU’RE the bad guy for telling off their bratty child. Or when a baby’s diaper becomes full and the stench reaches all around the airplane—like what on earth did they eat? (I could go on about the babies, but I’ll stop there).
10. When you feel grimy after you (finally) get off of the airplane. Finally, after sitting on an airplane for an extended period of time, I have packed all of my belongings and I am out of that confined area. You think I would be happy, right? WRONG. I always feel so dirty after sitting on an airplane. I usually don’t feel better until after I have reached my final destination, unpacked, showered, and in a fresh pair of clothes. Then I can finally say that even after all of the misadventures that I had to deal with during air travel, that it was worth it and I can now enjoy my vacation.
