I'd like to preface this letter with saying that the reason for our demise was neither solely my fault nor yours. This is just something I need to get off my chest before I can move on as a person. You, out of all the people in the world, should understand that. You understand me better than I do.
For the past couple weeks since I've cut things off I've been going back and forth in my head about how I'm actually supposed to feel. You see the worst part about our entire situation is we never communicated what we were. You introduced me to your family as your friend and I did the same, but behind closed doors you and I both know that's not how friends act. Your tender touch and sweet pet names, holding onto me as tight as you could during an anxiety attack, the countless playlists and songs that were exchanged, and of course the dreadful 'I love you' that was said. All essential parts to any love story, I just didn't realize that you weren't really looking to write one.
So you can see where the heart break in my chest is conflicting? You were never my official boyfriend and something inside of me always knew you never would be nor wanted to be.
That being said, you completely changed my life in the smallest amount of time. You changed my perspective of myself and the difficult things in life. I always knew that if I needed someone to talk things out with and get a different, subjective opinion from, you would be available for me. One phone call, one text message, and towards the end when I moved cities, one highway exit away. I should have known then it was all too good to be true.
From the moment that we met, my world was turned around and flipped upside down. I had just moved on from a long term relationship and I was ready to have fun again. You were exactly what the doctor prescribed. So I'd like to start by thanking you:
I want to thank you for going with me to see my favorite local band, even though you weren't all that familiar with their music. I want to thank you for dancing with me, dancing in the street, the car, concerts, and across my living room floor. You didn't care who saw and lets face it, I really needed the exercise. I want to thank you for your positive outlook on everything, it kept me from slipping into old patterns. Thank you for spending the night and rubbing my back to help me fall asleep on those insomniatic nights that seemed to never end. Most importantly thank you for the playlist of music that you've helped me to create, 318 songs later and I have enough diversity in my library now that I'll never get bored. That's my favorite playlist to listen to when I'm struggling to sleep.
With a list of quality time spent like this I'm sure you're wondering why I walked away, after all it is my love language. Well I can assure you my reasons for saying goodbye are on a list much longer than the one above.
For starters, that quality time spent was always on your time. I was always the one that was kept waiting. Always waiting, for you to show up for a date because your GPS wasn't working. Waiting on a reply hours after a text was sent, a 'goodnight' phone call that would never come. I even waited for you to heal from your surgery when you didn't want me to come visit you. I found myself keeping my weekends open just hoping you were going to ask to hang out. It started to feel like I was just waiting for you to want me. But something in you had me hypnotized. So hypnotized I couldn't help but whisper that I loved you in the dark of the spare bedroom at my parents house. We spent that whole weekend together while they were out of town.
After months of me being at your beck and call, you started to pull away. You became distant, shutting me out of your already so private life. The replies between texts that were already long, became longer. The songs you sent became few and far between with little to know explanation of your love for them anymore. At this point it seemed as though you were sending music so you didn't have to come up with a reply to me at all. I let you keep your distance but still held onto the small thread that we would eventually be together. When the summer came to an end, we should have too.
I can't quite put my finger on it but there is something about you that I can tell you kept hidden away from me on purpose. I gave you everything and all you gave me was a good time. Makes me think that's all you wanted me for. I've contemplated calling you several times after the way we ended things. The way you kept things so open ended really makes me think. But that's just how things with you are, you're manipulative and selfish and you never really cared about me. So even though you promised to always be there if I needed to talk, this is my way of saying I wont be accepting that promise whether you meant it or not. This letter is to let you know that its all just too much. It's my closure that I know I will never get to speak to you again because you're just manipulative enough to be able to pull me back in. I wont let that happen, I'm the only one that can makes decisions in my reality and wont let you control anymore of it. I wont let you hurt me for your benefit anymore.
Don't get me wrong I miss who I thought you were, or who I thought you wanted to be. I miss thinking someone actually cared about me and wanted to spend time with me. I don't miss you, I can't.
I will be honest, not a day goes by that I don't hear a song I'd like to stop and send you. I will leave you with this last one:
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