Every year we hope it will be the best year yet. I don't remember how this year started, but I do know it has not been the best for me. One bad event has happened after another. I'm the type of person to get emotional over the simplest thing, so this year has mostly been an emotional roller coaster for me. I've been depressed and cried more than I even knew my eyes were capable of. I've been used, hurt, and most of all felt worthless. I let earthly things get the best of me thinking my pain would heal, or I would find my worth. Well, it didn't work. I felt worthless over that guy who didn't text me back. I felt worthless over that guy who chose another girl over me. I felt worthless over that friend who found someone cooler to hang with. I felt worthless over those classes I did terrible in. And most of all I felt worthless over the prayers I didn't think God was hearing.
My first year of college came to a close about two months ago and not only did I lose myself, but I lost my way from God, and although I lost my way from him I still expected him to let things play out in my favor. I mean, sure I would spend time with him when I felt like it but he was not first in my life like he should have been. Sure there were tons of great Godly organizations on campus but I was too shy to go alone and chose to do things God was probably looking down on and needless to say I regret the choices I made as I look back.
At the beginning of my first year of college, God gave me every opportunity to choose him, but the devil also wanted me. So I ventured away from God to make my own choices or, as I like to say, mistakes. But each bad choice I made, I learned. And I know my worth now and who my worth lies in. To the guys who made me feel worthless, it's OK. I know there is a guy out there who will never make me feel that way. To the friends who made me feel worthless, I have friends now who would never make me feel like that and would do anything for me as I would for them. And to the classes that made me feel worthless, I will try again and work harder and get the help I need. So I thank God for not giving me what I thought I wanted at the time. I thank God he didn't answer my prayers the way I wanted him to.
I know God was not trying to make me feel worthless; I let myself think the world was trying to. So, next time you feel like the whole world is against you and out to get you, remember who you are, what you have accomplished, the people you still have in your life, and what an amazing God you have. It may not seem like it during the struggle, but we are blessed more than we will ever know.
I also realized, I'm only 20. It's OK not to have my whole life together, and I'm going to fail a few times before getting to where God wants me to be, but as long as I remember to get back up and try again, I'll make it.
I found some really helpful verses that I hope you will remember when going through tough times or feeling worthless:
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
And last, but certainly the most important:
"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." Psalm 139:14.
