When did you begin to experience suicidal thoughts?

A few weeks before my

20th birthday

after experiencing a desire

to commit suicide

Did you see yourself powerless against your depression?

I held my family hostage

for 1 year

So, you feel responsible for the pain your family endured?

My mother had to explain

(with tears in her eyes)

to my 10 year old brother

(with tears in his eyes)

why I couldn't talk or eat

"She is so sad.

She is so sad that it's

making her sick"

What does recovery mean to you?

I am okay, I am okay, I am okay

The Demon that lived in my

head and my heart lies dormant

I am okay.

It's over.

I go to a concert in Chicago

and although

I have three free beer tickets

I only drink one

because the Demon may be asleep

but I still walk on egg shells

desperate

to not wake him

(I can't wake him)

The bright lights

and the thumping bass

make me feel like I'm floating

My skin

is suddenly made of lead

when I see an

acquaintance

from when I was Bad

my throat tightens

But I remind myself that

I am okay.

and that

It's over.

"Aren't you the girl

that went crazy?"

He can barely stumble

through the sentence without

laughing

It is funny to him.

It is funny to him,

But I feel fucking nauseous

I am in the backseat of my

mom's Prius

speeding away from my quiet

2 bedroom apartment

where, hours earlier,

I tried to kill myself

I am in the psychiatrist's office

for the first time

sitting across from

Mom, Dad and Dr. Avva

everyone is crying

except me

(that's when I know it's bad)

I am back in the bar

I can feel bass in my leg hairs

and it feels weird

"Aren't you the girl that went crazy?"

He asks through a smirk

(How do I handle

this situation gracefully?

How do I handle this

situation like a

non-crazy person?)

"Yeah...lol"