Everybody always talks about how great their study abroad city is, but nobody ever mentions what sucks.
It's time to take the Deadspin approach. So without further ado, here is why your study abroad city sucks. Angry? I'll fight you.
London
You wanted to go abroad but were afraid to leave America, so you chose New York with better accents. Like New York, everything is infuriatingly expensive, like the time you spent €23 on a cheeseburger. British food is horrible, the gin is poison, and you've debated attaching an umbrella directly to your head like Bill Murray in "Space Jam."
It would make the rainy days (a.k.a. every day) better, but it's a pain to wear on the tube.
Dublin
It looks beautiful, but you wouldn't know because you spend all of your time drunk in pubs. To be fair, though, why would you ever be sober or go outside if you live in Dublin? On the bright side, you've bonded with Irishman about hating the British. Unfortunately, that's the only bright thing, because you haven't seen the sun since August.
Milan
Pictured: The only tourist attraction in Milan
Living in Milan is like living in Cleveland. You can be perfectly happy, as long as you've never traveled to any other place in your country. Fun things to do in Milan include visiting the Duomo, seeing the Last Supper, watching paint dry, wondering what you're going to do in this city for two more days, going back to the Duomo, trying to think of cities even more boring than Milan (Tulsa?) and going back to the Duomo. You make meals last as long as possible because eating is the only good part about Milan.
You thought your life would be "Eat, Pray, Love," only to discover Rome is "Crowded, Dirty, Gross." You spend your days juking gypsies like Ezekiel Elliot, but with more complaining. You have to explain to all of your friends who visit you that the Spanish Steps are the most overrated tourist attraction in the galaxy. (But still more fun than Milan.) All of your gelato Instagrams overcompensate to hide the fact you wish you had studied in Siena instead. At night, you dream of diving into a swimming pool of Carbonara sauce, only to wake up and remember that eating nothing but carbs for four months is going to make your ugly Christmas sweater a little tight.
Madrid
There are so many political demonstrations in Madrid that you almost decided to follow Spanish politics, if only to know when the strikes would be. The only time you ever need to buy anything is always during siesta. Every night before you fall asleep, you pretend you're happy with your decision not to study in Barcelona.
Barcelona
You thought you were going to be able to use your eight years of Spanish only to discover the people there speak an impossible mix of Spanish, French, and Klingon. When friends visit, you pretend that La Rambla is fun, instead of an underwhelming tourist trap occasionally interrupted by pickpocket-induced paranoia. You've been pick-pocketed twice and now are forced to use your Dad's old iPhone 4, which isn't terrible, but the resolution of your Snapchats has clearly diminished and you're worried everybody notices. (That last part might just be me.) You're unsure why a giant phallus building was erected in the middle of the city, as if a 13-year-old was allowed to doodle on the skyline.
Lol jk, no school would willingly send students there.
Maastricht
You applied thinking being close to Amsterdam would be like living in Amsterdam. Instead, you spend your weekdays looking for flights to escape on weekends because there is nothing to do in Maastricht except get stoned and debate with your friends what city you would pick to study in if you had a redo.
Also, that picture is actually of Stockholm, but none of you noticed.
Vienna
All the allure of Prague without the fun. Vienna is like living in Maastricht, except you might have actually convinced your friends to come visit you. Your drunk food is doner kebab, and you spend too much time trying to explain what "quaint" means.
Hong Kong
You've successfully answered "Why Hong Kong?" to everybody in your life except yourself. You've acquired an affinity for sea urchin. When you return to school you'll be weirded out how some people are taller than you.
Australia
You didn't realize one of the downsides of studying in Australia over Europe was choosing a civilization that loves Vegemite more than Nutella. At least you have Tim Tams.
You've held a Koala, taken a selfie at the Sydney opera house, and cried yourself to sleep because of the sheer loneliness. Your barometer of happiness is Instagram likes.
Copenhagen
Studying in Copenhagen transforms you into a master chef because eating out every night will force your parents to take out a second mortgage. You feel the need to explain to Bernie Sanders that a mixed drink is €18.
Berlin
Every day you enjoy Germany's well-planned cities, efficient transportation, and the famous German sense of humor. You miss Italian style sausage. Each time you are running late, you question why you didn't study in Spain or Italy instead.
Prague
You traveled halfway around the world to eat fried cheese, avoid British stag parties, and dance to '80s music. Considering you can do all of that in America, you pretty much went to the Czech Republic to lament how crowded the Charles Bridge is in person.
Paris
Some bad guys have guns. But you have champagne. And flowers.
