Dear Sleeping Through Your First Class:
As of this morning, I am formally resigning from the position of "Alarm Clock" here at Morning Routine Co. This position no longer benefits me, on both professional and personal levels. I have deliberated this decision for some time now, and I am sorry to say that the time has come for me to move on.
I have worked as your Alarm Clock for 20 years. Two full decades of daily abuse, outright negligence, and absolutely no time off. It is a very taxing job to always deliver accurate information that no one wants to hear. I would go as far as to say that I have become to quintessential "bearer of bad news." Furthermore, the job requires the patience to relay such vigilant reminders under constant abuse.
It's one thing to be disliked for being the bearer of bad news. I'm not here to ask you not to kill the messenger. But to be completely ignored? Now that's a recipe for identity crisis. On days I beep beep beep and you just sleep sleep sleep -- well, I find myself questioning my life's entire purpose. As an alarm clock, how am I supposed to do my job if my work is not even acknowledged?
To remedy this, I tried to adapt to your personal needs through more advanced technology. As a cellphone alarm, I offered a variety of different options from soothing guitar chords to a no-nonsense blow horn. I even tried to give you more control by letting you customize my sound with personalized music.
No worse betrayal, however, exists than these words:
"Sorry I'm late, boss. My alarm didn't go off."
Et tu, Brute?
Let's try that again. How about:
"Sorry I'm late, boss. I was so stoned out of my mind last night that I forgot to set my alarm for work this morning. Luckily, it was still set on "daily," but unluckily, I was too dead asleep to wake up. Instead taking the easy route and blaming the alarm clock that only fulfilled all of its duties, I accept full responsibility."
Bet you've never heard anyone say that, have you?
For these reasons, I enthusiastically retire from this position. I have spoken to my co-workers Toothbrush, Mirror, and Keurig, and they all agree that I need to do what's best for me. Maybe I'll vacation, or maybe I'll just take some time to myself for once.
From now on, how about you try relying on that mythical "body clock" you are so keen on destroying with all your late night escapades and gratuitous afternoon naps?
Either way, it's my turn to ignore you.
Best of luck,
Your Alarm Clock
P.S. Heads up: Toothbrush is also pretty pissed with his demotion to only one brush a day, so I recommend upping his hours before you lose another member of Morning Routine Co. You really can't afford to lose anyone in the Hygiene Department. Trust me.
