Everyone and their mom is willing to give you advice on what you can do better or differently to improve your marriage. Words of true wisdom are hard to come by. The fact of the matter is, everyone is different, everyone's relationship is different, so everyone's go-tos may or may not work for someone else. But, if you find yourself having a little trouble a year, two years, seven years, fifteen years in and you want to stay married, think about the following.
1. Financial Issues are Death
Get on the same page. I read a statistic back in the day (you know, like a year ago) that the number one reason marriages fail is because of money. The love of, the lack of, poor decision making with, and even too much focus on money will chisel away at your marriage until you are standing on a heaping pile of rubble wondering what happened. You have to work together on this. Build a budget to live within you means and stick with it. Talk it out. You want to make a big purchase? Discuss it. Everyone goes into marriage with some kind of expectation, but I'd venture to say, not many think "if we can't get on the same page financially, we will have to end things". Its hind-sight kinda issue so work it out early.
2. Does the thought of them with someone else make you sick?
I definitely don't believe in giving up when it comes to your marriage. However, if you envision your spouse with someone else and the immediate thought doesn't illicit a strong emotional response (such as anger, tears, or feeling physically ill), you might be at a point of no return and you should probably seek professional help, stat. If it does, then no matter what state your marriage is in, there is hope. You can't imagine them with anyone else because he/she is yours and you are theirs.
3. Is divorce an option?
Stop it. Just stop right there. The second you think of divorce even being an option, you plant that ugly little seed. Every disagreement, cute guy/girl that hits on you, and every thought of separation just waters that seed until you have a big ugly stupid tree blocking your view of why to got married in the first place. You signed up for life. You didn't get married to have a serious relationship, you signed up for forever. Your partner needs the security in that. I can freely share my thoughts and opinions with my husband because I am never worried that, "what if this is it. This is the fight that will end our marriage"... because there is no end but death... and I'm not planning on either of us dying, ever (no not seriously but you get what I am saying). In the same way, don't ever threaten each other with divorce... ever.
4. Have you tried changing things up?
It is so easy to get in a rut. We like our routines but routines can also lead to a life in Snoozeville and get you daydreaming about the life on the other side of the fence. It can be a subtle change - like going rock climbing instead of dinner and a movie on date night, OR major - like assuming traditional roles within the household when you've been a 9-5er since high school. We live in a society where if you are bored with something, we throw it away instead of working on it until it is your favorite again. We are shamed if we say something like, "I can't because my husband doesn't want me to". But why? Does respecting your spouse and his/her decision make you inferior? Can't have that! Really though, if you want your marriage to work, you have to do whatever is necessary to make it work, including getting a few eye rolls directed at you. It's okay. You'll live.
5. Will it matter in five years?
We've all had those moments where you want to scream, yell, stomp your feet and walk the hell out to never return. I challenge you. The next time you are in the middle of this kind of emotional state, to think about this. Will whatever you are fighting about matter in five years? Where do you see yourself and your spouse, and where does this fight fit in? If it has some ground and will significantly impact that five year vision, okay, maybe you need to scream yell and stomp it out, but don't leave. You can and you will work it out, as long as you both are willing to try... and by willing to try, I don't mean yell in circles. Find a common ground, even if it is uncomfortable for the both of you. Your marriage is worth it!
Being young and married in today's world is not easy. But then again, I don't think it was probably easy for a 40s housewife who wanted a career either. Bottom line is, the best views are the result of the hardest hikes. Your marriage is worth fighting for, so put your boxing gloves on and get in the ring. If you both give 100%, you'll be glad you did.
