This is probably going to be one of the more personal articles I have ever written.
I'm honestly shaking and teary-eyed already. I guess you could say love has never really been on my side of the fence in any relationship I have ever been in. It's like for a few months things are perfect, but then it's as if you're waiting for a bomb to go off and your whole world is in pieces again.
You can give all your love and your world to someone, but some things don't work out and that's just how life is. I'll be the first to admit, I am far from perfect. I am messy, I get upset, I get jealous, I've said hurtful things, and I make mistakes... but I do always own up and learn from my actions. I'll also admit that I give people a lot of love they don't deserve.
Relationships can get hard, especially in the age we are in right now. We are so stubborn, immature, and hard-headed. We have so much growing left to do. Sure, you can build yourself up and act like the strongest girl in the world but people see through it. It's OK to hurt. It's OK to have bad days. My emotions are a rollercoaster right now whether I want to admit it or now. Some days are so much better than others, but please remember it's OK to not be OK. I had to accept things I didn't understand. I had accepted God's plan even when it went the way I didn't want it to go.
I understand having to stop loving someone because they stopped loving you is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. Girl, I get it.
I'm not going to sit here and lie to you, I will always have love for the ones who did me wrong because they were a huge part of my life at one point. But one of the most heartbreaking things I was ever told, was that I was "too much." I mean, the equivalence to that on a pain scale is probably like getting stabbed in the heart with a knife. It hurt so bad because for so long I thought I was doing something wrong.
For a really long time, it made me believe I was only supposed to half love someone. How are you supposed to do that though? How are you supposed to only show half your emotions to someone you would choose over anyone in the world? My whole freshman year of college and then my whole junior year I was fighting for people who just simply didn't love me like I loved them.
I loved people who wouldn't think twice about choosing someone else over me. For so long, I made myself believe that was OK. I made myself believe the type of "love" I was being given was exactly how love was supposed to be. I was embarrassed. I gave my world to someone who just took it and ran with it. I was broken. I started to let them dictate my feelings and for so long I believed that I wasn't supposed to be able to hurt.
It's OK to not be OK.
I realized it's OK to hurt. It's OK to have bad days. When you genuinely lose a person you love, it's normal to hurt. Yeah, it'll be OK one day, but you can't just snap your fingers and make pain disappear. When I was told I was "too much," I tried to make everything seem OK, I tried to look past all the mistakes and hold back anything that was bothering me. I was so scared to share my emotions and what was bothering me with my ex because I literally thought if I would say something wrong or something that they didn't like, they'd leave me. I hid from all my emotions and made sure I pushed them to the side. I decided that I would rather put my feelings aside then lose them. For so long, I thought I was the problem. I realized that, that's not how relationships are supposed to be. That's not healthy what so ever!!! You're going to have disagreements, you're both going to mess up, but when you really love someone, you figure out how to fix it. That's when I realized that I wasn't really "loved." Everything I did was to impress or to please them and not for myself. I tried so hard to get them to love me enough to stay.
I am a lot.
I'm the type of person who sends multiple messages in a row just to tell you how excited I am about something. I am the type of person who loves very very very hard. I am the type of person who will send you a novel just because I love to put my feelings out there. I am the type of person who does need to show their emotions. I am the type of person who is hard to love sometimes. I am the type of person who would drive to you in the middle of the night when you're sad just to make sure you're OK. I am the type of person who isn't afraid to show their love for God. I am the type of person who likes to ride on the back of the shopping cart. I am the type of person who lives boldly. I am the type of person who may drink to much sometimes. I am the type of person who is so outgoing and doesn't have a care in the world… but for so long I let that "type of person" be taken away from me.
GIRL, PLEASE ALWAYS BE TOO MUCH.
Be the one who sings at the top of their lungs in the car. The one who asks for two scoops of ice cream instead of one. The one who believes in the goodness of other people. The one who chooses to love with all their heart. The one who never thinks twice about jumping in the pool. The one who chooses to dance anytime they hear a song. The one who tells him to stop the truck to dance in the headlights. The one who tells him to stop on the side of the road just so you can pet the "pretty horse." Be the one who loves his family like they're your own. Be the one who isn't afraid to show their emotions. Be the one who always gives. Be the one who always forgives. Be the one who never holds back love. Be the one who always breathes and never second-guesses taking a breath. Be the one who is never small.
I know this world can get really hard.
I know that giving up on love has gone through your head multiple times. I will promise you though, for the right person you will never be "too much." I promise if you give up now, you will never be with the person that would never choose someone over you or make you question your worth. If you give up now, you will never share the smiles, laughs, hugs, tears, and adventures that someone out there is waiting to share with you. I know how hard love can be. Girl, I promise you it may not seem OK right now but pick up your crown and keep going. You are worthy of so many things. Please don't build your walls up so high where you won't let a good person in. You are going to fall in love with so many people before you find the right one. Love takes time, girl.
Enjoy your life now and breathe.
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