Take it from someone who’s been there: you can’t fix that boy you’re trying to save, no matter how hard you try. The way you found him is the way he’ll stay: as damaged as he is destructive. You don’t want to accept this because you care about him, but it’s true. Who he is, what he does, and how he behaves are all beyond your control.
At the end of the day, all he’s ever going to do is bring you down.
When you first met him, you were extremely intrigued by him. There was something endearing about him, but at the time you couldn’t quite place exactly what that “thing” about him was. So, you started talking, and as time passed you learned just how troubled he is. And, because you developed an attachment by this point, you committed yourself to him.
Or, more specifically, you committed yourself to saving him.
He probably told you he was going to change, and that gave you all the hope you needed. Whatever reckless behavior he was partaking in, lies he was telling, drugs he was taking, drive he was lacking; they were all going to stop for you. He dripped love onto you like honey, and you relished in it because you believed him. But honey is sticky, and you became stuck. And, in being stuck, you became blind — ignorant, if you will.
Ignorance is bliss, so normalized with what little you had with him. He led you to blindly believe that this is devotion, take it or leave it. The lies, the destruction, the trouble, that’s what love was! “It’s all for you,” he’d say, then it would dissolve into nothing when you found out he wasn’t getting better. Despite what other people told you, the people who actually love you, you stayed with him, still believing you could be the hero. Maybe he even told you that that’s what you are: his salvation. More honey, more stickiness, more ignorance.
Then, you became blind to yourself. As you committed yourself to halting his downward spiral, you entered one yourself. Your grades slipped, you stopped spending time with loved ones, you lost sleep, you skipped work, you lied to friends and family, you fought with your parents, and you may have even dabbled in the toxic behavior you were trying to stop. This is how he became out of your control: you became the one who needed saving. Caught up in his sweet, poisonous mess, you became the one who needed a “fixer”. But the difference between you and him is that no one could try to save you, and I’ll be damned if he even noticed you were in trouble.
Eventually, after a long time of lies and honey and destruction, you realize how bad your situation had become, if you haven’t already. That boy you’re trying to fix doesn’t love you, he’s killing you. The love he’s trying to show is a mirage. Whatever problems he has must be resolved on their own. And, the truth of the matter is, he’s not ready to fix them. He’ll change when he’s ready, regardless of whether you’re there or not. He won’t want you to leave him, but you have to.
You can never fix the boy, but you can always fix yourself.
