I’m unworthy. I’m unworthy. I am completely unworthy.
These have been the thoughts running through my mind these past few months.
In life we inevitably make mistakes. It’s how we deal with them after that matters. How we cope with the pain, the guilt, and maybe even the shame. How we end up defining our relationships with others, and more importantly, how we end up defining our selves and self-worth.
God shows us completely astounding and abounding mercy- underserving mercy. When we feel as though we deserve absolutely nothing, he gives us absolutely everything.
This has become one of the hardest concepts for me to wrap my head around. At times I feel so unworthy of any grace and forgiveness. Putting myself down time after time. I replay my actions and thoughts in my head and self-shame.
For a long time I believed I was unworthy of real, loving friendships. I had friends who completely and utterly cut me out of their lives. I had made mistakes, and they couldn’t show me mercy. They had had enough. I felt disgusting. I had made mistakes and my friends had made it clear I would never be forgiven. No strong words were thrown out, but I got the message loud and clear- I fucked up.
The dissolving of this friendship caused for strong, secure gates to be placed around my heart. I would no longer wear it on my sleeve, but instead conceal everything. I could trust no one. My vulnerability would never become exposed. I believed I didn’t deserve real friendships. I believed I was unworthy.
This kind of rationale only leads us down a path of self-destruction and moral degradation. With every piece of shame you place upon yourself, the more torn and scared your soul become. The true repair comes when finally accepting your mistakes and instead, letting God’s grace fill you up.
Remember, there is someone who died for you. And you specifically. Jesus had you in mind when being nailed to the cross. He dissolved your sins by giving up his very own life. As Christians, we are told this over and over, but when does it actually sink in and take full effect? Abandoning the rich truth of our given grace, only causes Him more pain. The more we run from Him, the louder he calls out to us.
The book of Romans reminds us: “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
You are worthy. You are more than enough. Even when others show you absolutely no mercy, just remember there is someone who will give you absolutely all of it.