For a really long time, I had given you control over my life. Whether you were in my life directly or not, you were always something grander to me than you actually were.
I used to think you were the sun. I used to think there was a direct correlation between you and my growth as a person. Along with that, I use to think you were the source of light in my life. You were my everything, and that’s not OK. After our big finale, I used to compare you to the hurricane that destroyed my life and took everything in its wake. You took my life from me, and that’s not OK, either.
When we give people this much control over our lives, we are setting ourselves up for more pain than it is worth. By thinking of somebody as a light source, we are taking away from ourselves the credit we deserve. Yes, they may be grand people. You love them with your heart, and you may have feelings for them astronomically larger than you ever have had for anybody else. However, do not cut yourself short and forget you have your own brightness. The same goes for after the storm. The end of relationships should not ruin your life. It is a portion of your life that has died, but it should never mean that it cannot be reborn. By giving somebody the power to completely destroy your whole life, you are setting yourself up for much worse.
I was not ever able to move on until I realized what you really were. I thought you were the sun that gave light to my life. You weren’t. You were a boy. You were a boy who stopped loving me on a random weekday. It hurts, and that’s that. You are not the controlling factor of my life, and you do not determine my happiness anymore.
By being able to decide that you are no longer the sun of my life, I am able to grow. I no longer depend on your light source to be a human. I picked myself up, I kept going forward, and I did what I had to do to continue living. That is nothing you are able to find in any mental health book. There was no manual for this, so I will not apologize for how I chose to heal. It may not be how anybody suggests, it may not have been the best way to go about things, but I did what I had to do, no matter who I took out in my wake.
Thank you for pushing me away. Thank you for giving me the kick in the butt and turning my world upside down. My life is forever changed because of what you did to me. You are not the light of my life anymore. You are not what gets me out of bed anymore. However, you are the reason for who I am today. Because of you, I am strong, I am independent, and I know exactly what I want and don’t want. Thank you.
