I went to church with you, every Sunday.

You asked me if we would be roommates next year. We talked about visiting each other during the summer. Lol, I'm so sorry if I thought we were friends?

"Hey Irene, sorry I have to go". I felt so bad, we were supposed to work on homework and get shit done, but I felt like I was about to explode.

(Later that night I ran 6 miles and injured my foot, which I will talk about in two week's!)

I was trying so hard not to freak out. I wanted to believe you so hard. I thought that maybe if I just chilled out things wouldn't be weird. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that you guys were "just friends". Lol, what bullshit though.

I know it was wrong of me to lie to you, and I am really sorry. But why would you ever put me in that position? I would never put you in a position like that. What did I do to you? Was I a bad friend, did I treat you badly? Because if I was ever mean to you I am so sorry. I was so confused. It triggered so many memories of high school, memories I was trying so hard to forget, and just like that it all came back.

What did I do to you? It was so hard for me to understand. Maybe I am a bad friend? Is that why this always happens to me? Even after this whole shit I was hoping we could still be friends...? I texted you and wanted to talk in person, and you straight up just ignored me. I mean, yeah it hurt a little.

I guess it hurts because this was the first time I was honest. I wasn't talking to any other guys. I wasn't being psycho and I dropped my bullshit. I was beginning to open up, and being very accepting and loving, and then I got a big ass slap in the face, with a chair, at least that's what it felt like.

I still remember how we met at semi. I went out for a smoke and there you were drunk as hell. I gave you a cig because you looked stressed. Then we saw this couple argue and the guy was treating this girl like shit, and we laughed because he was clearly an asshole, and she was still chasing him. You saved your number, and misspelled your name so bad I had no idea who you were for the longest.

Fast forward to summer 2017. I was back from camp. I was going through my messages deleting people I don't really care for or whatever, and your name came up. I texted you, and what a fucking mistake.

My perception of you was so wrong, and it's not your fault. I wanted to try all these cupcake places with you lol. I honestly just thought you were different. I thought you weren't full of shit. I mean, I should of known better because you are a Sagittarius, so that one is on me. I watched those stupid movies that you said were good (there were like 20 movies), and I didn't even liked half of them! I even asked you what pictures I should post on Insta, I NEVER DO THAT! The fact that you were traveling all over Europe and we somehow managed to keep in touch for four months was pretty impressive. There was no way, someone that cultured could be ignorant; but correlation is not causation my friends. The fact that I made your live photo a video and you posted it, pisses me off, and I had to unfollow you. I am so sorry, I am not usually that petty, but I just want to forget you were ever even a thought.

You're like cute and normal, and not really my type to be honest, but I thought that maybe I should stop being so stuck on looks. I thought that since you were so smart, you would make better choices or something. I also just liked how chill you were, and how I just did homework on your bed and it wasn't even awkward. For a second I thought that maybe abs and hot bods, don't really matter. But then right before I stopped talking to you, I walked in your room and saw a Mac lip stick on the floor.

First of all, who the fuck wears Mac? That shit is so 2000s. Second, what the fuck. Third, I was so sad in that moment I had no idea what to do. I kind of just froze. I wanted to leave, but I also wanted to deny it. So I did what I always do, and just hid behind my subconscious and left my body.

I am still recovering from that.

If I'm going to be played, I might as well waste my time with someone that has abs!

I think it hurts so much because I never saw it coming. I cared so much about both of you separately and it just felt like I was back in high school. I thought I knew how to read people and protect myself from getting hurt. I thought I was done having to deal with shitty people. I let my guard down and I was finally beginning to feel okay with who I am, and then I wasn't. It tore me apart. My perception was so wrong, I thought I was going to have a mental break down. I thought I was going to have to take a break from school. I was so close to calling my mom and telling her I was coming home.

(not to mention I had just spent a month in Colombia. Day and night I was surrounded by people that loved me, and afamily that spoils me with love. I came back to school and I was all alone; no one to make me food or give me daily kisses and hugs. I was homesick and around shitty selfish people, a recipe for Sad Girl Syndrome)

I would look at one way flights. My ego wasn't even shattered, but my heart literally felt like it wasn't there. I was so numb. I haven't been this numb since I moved out from home at 17, and trust me, I was unbelievably numb.

I just thought that I knew you guys, and then I realized I didn't and that perhaps, my sense of reality was wrong. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I started questioning everything. Well if you guys deceived me like that, who else is not really my friend? My entire world felt like a lie.

I'm not as broken anymore, but it definitely took something away from me. I feel like there is a part of me that is no longer there, and now I have to go and find it. I hope that doesn't take long. Karma works in wonderful ways, because she talks shit about you. I'm just sad I ever thought we could be friends. I was okay with you treating me like that, because for a while I really thought it was my fault. But then you also talked shit about him as you were hooking up with him, so I guess you're really not a nice person.