There is something that I have been struggling with for a very long time. As a little girl I thought it would be different as I got older but yeah, I was wrong. It's not anxiety, depression, or love issues but simply; the insecurity of being different.
I've always been different. Anyone that knows me can vouch that I don't follow the rules, crowd, and I seem to always be doing something that makes people raise their eyebrows. I say things that I shouldn't say or maybe others think that I shouldn't say it. I talk too loud or I talk too much. And sometimes I don't talk at all and my personality gets met with hair flips and whispers.
As a little girl I wanted to wear different things. I wanted hippie dresses and vintage clothes. Ever since the first X-Men movie came out I LITERALLY begged for blonde bangs. I'm not even joking, ask my mom, I begged for them. She finally agreed to it when I was 12.
I didn't listen to the same music either. When all the other girls were into whatever pop singer was big at the time I was still trying to debunk Led Zeppelin conspiracy theories. I had no problem watching old movies with my parents including TV Land which now poses as a problem.
I simply have always been different and you would think that in this unique person would be extreme self-confidence. Oh, but let me tell you what, you are wrong. All those things that make me rare turn into an insecurity and when that happens comes that feeling of not being enough.
You won't find pics of me on social media posing with 15 other girls at a party or on the beach. I don't have "girls night" and to be honest, I don't even fit in anywhere.
I'm always too much or not enough.
I'm always, "I can't tell if she's shy or just stuck up."
And that's fine with me.
Because I am just as fun as, "wine with the girls."
Because I am, "Rush and Waffle House."
Yeah, sometimes I look at myself and think, "why can't I be like all the other girls?"
But then I think about all the wild things I have done in my life, all the interesting people that I have met, and conversation I've had.
I am the first person to preach about female empowerment and bravery but I'm also the first to admit that feeling of insecurity. The way it feels when you walk into a room of girls and they are ready to tear you up. Yep, that feeling. Or when you get left out of conversations, events, and group messages. And sometimes that feeling of wanting to make friends but you just don't know where to start.
So I am the weird girl and honestly that is fine with me.