Yep, I Am The Weird Girl

Yep, I Am The Weird Girl

Sometimes you just have to be her.

There is something that I have been struggling with for a very long time. As a little girl I thought it would be different as I got older but yeah, I was wrong. It's not anxiety, depression, or love issues but simply; the insecurity of being different.

I've always been different. Anyone that knows me can vouch that I don't follow the rules, crowd, and I seem to always be doing something that makes people raise their eyebrows. I say things that I shouldn't say or maybe others think that I shouldn't say it. I talk too loud or I talk too much. And sometimes I don't talk at all and my personality gets met with hair flips and whispers.

As a little girl I wanted to wear different things. I wanted hippie dresses and vintage clothes. Ever since the first X-Men movie came out I LITERALLY begged for blonde bangs. I'm not even joking, ask my mom, I begged for them. She finally agreed to it when I was 12.

I didn't listen to the same music either. When all the other girls were into whatever pop singer was big at the time I was still trying to debunk Led Zeppelin conspiracy theories. I had no problem watching old movies with my parents including TV Land which now poses as a problem.

I simply have always been different and you would think that in this unique person would be extreme self-confidence. Oh, but let me tell you what, you are wrong. All those things that make me rare turn into an insecurity and when that happens comes that feeling of not being enough.

You won't find pics of me on social media posing with 15 other girls at a party or on the beach. I don't have "girls night" and to be honest, I don't even fit in anywhere.

I'm always too much or not enough.

I'm always, "I can't tell if she's shy or just stuck up."

And that's fine with me.

Because I am just as fun as, "wine with the girls."

Because I am, "Rush and Waffle House."

Yeah, sometimes I look at myself and think, "why can't I be like all the other girls?"

But then I think about all the wild things I have done in my life, all the interesting people that I have met, and conversation I've had.

I am the first person to preach about female empowerment and bravery but I'm also the first to admit that feeling of insecurity. The way it feels when you walk into a room of girls and they are ready to tear you up. Yep, that feeling. Or when you get left out of conversations, events, and group messages. And sometimes that feeling of wanting to make friends but you just don't know where to start.

So I am the weird girl and honestly that is fine with me.

Cover Image Credit: Rakicevic Nenad

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Part 1: Necessary Changes

One of my favorite movies is "Fried Green Tomatoes" with Kathy Bates. In the movie Bates' character Evelyn Couch says, "Someone helped put a mirror up in front of my face, and I didn't like what I saw one bit. And you know what I did? I changed." I know the feeling.


I looked in the mirror over the weekend and didn't like what I saw.

The person I saw looking back at me is petty, selfish, manipulative, and unattractive. It wasn't that I hated what I saw, but I definitely didn't like what I saw either. It's a surreal feeling, looking at yourself through a critical lens, and it doesn't make you feel good in any way shape or form.

The image that I see of myself is not how I want others to perceive me. I want to be someone that people look at and see kindness, compassion, strength, and confidence.

I have enough general life experience to know that these types of changes aren't going to happen overnight, and not all of them will be physical; most of these will have to happen from the inside, from within myself.

When you find out you are all broken and damaged, it's hard to know where to start putting the pieces back together. I figured the best place to start would be the most literal: my actual insides; so, I decided to embark on a deep-cleansing journey to get all of the toxins out of my body, from the inside out.

I found this book on 10-day green smoothie detox stashed away in the dark corner of my bookshelf. The science behind it seems accurate and legitimate. By eliminating certain foods, your body is able to detox itself off of chemicals and foods that are slowing down your metabolism; the smoothies are specifically designed with combinations of foods that help restart your metabolism. Part of the detox process is getting rid of all dependencies on caffeine, alcohol, and sugar.

Every day you are given the recipe for a specific smoothie; you make the smoothie (about 40 ounces) and sip on it throughout the day whenever you get hungry. Every smoothie is a combination of leafy greens, water, fruit, and flax seeds. If you do happen to get hungry throughout the day, you are encouraged to eat raw nuts, hard boiled eggs, and a wide variety of crunchy green vegetables. There is also a detox tea that you have first thing in the morning, but other than that no other beverages are allowed except water.

I know that this is only the beginning of a very long, emotional, and draining journey. But I think I'm at the point in my life where I have to make these changes. I have to put my pieces together, I have to become a normal functioning adult, I have to find out who I am. I think that this is the perfect way to start.

For the next 10 days I am going to be documenting my experiences, how I'm feeling, what my emotions are doing, and any results that I see.

Stay tuned!

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