Dear my lovely, worthy reader,
The aspect of this article I thought most on was what format to write it in. While I may end up listing things off, I felt that writing this specific article in such form was not what would best suit my thoughts. Over the past year, I have learned a number of lessons dealing with varying topics but all attaining to my life. I have gone through the highest of moments filled with pure joy, to moments of deep sorrow and what felt like everlasting pain. A year ago today, I had no idea what was about to come.
First off, nothing extreme happened. Let me just let you know that. I was not badly injured or faced with anything life threatening. I simply experienced things everyone does. Because it is so common, these things are often overlooked by the big things happening in the media. Just because it is natural, doesn’t mean these life events aren’t important. They are important.
A year ago today, almost exactly actually, I fell in love for the first time. I know I sound cliche and possibly annoying but it’s true. I was touched by love’s strongest rays. I also watched these rays diminish one by one until there was nothing left. It felt as if I went from standing in the sun, feeling it’s gentle, warm kiss on my skin, to being stuck under the clouds as the cold, bitter wind brushes by. Your first love is something that will be engraved in your mind and heart forever. That person who first made your heart skip a beat will forever be someone special to you. The love you felt so strongly will never leave you. Even years from now, when you are married with three kids, living in a white-picket-fence house, the feelings for your first love will always be there within the memories engraved in you. I will always love him and wish for the best. His happiness will forever mean much to me. If he is reading this, I want him to know that I hope he smiles each and every day. Love you long time.
A year ago today, I was about to experience change. Within the year, I went from being a high school senior to a college freshman. I packed my life into a few suitcases and a couple of bins, as I moved over a hundred miles away. I left behind the things I loved most; my family, my hometown, my boyfriend at the time, and most importantly, my dog. I was now living in the greatest city in the world, pursuing a degree in which I hope a future job in the field of. It sounds all exciting and it is, don’t get me wrong, but it’s also all new. I had to adjust to living with other people, attending class from sun up to sun down, and balancing all I had going on. All of this took time and effort, also willingness to move forward with life. All in all, I have learned that change is a good thing.
A year ago today, I thought the best of people. This is still partially true but I have learned boundaries. I still want to believe that people won’t hurt me and that I can open up to them but I know that is not always true. I have learned that you are going to be hurt more than you are happy. People are going to upset you, and go against their word. They will lie to you even when they say they aren’t lying. You are going to hear people say “don’t let your happiness depend on others” but others will effect your mental and emotional state. If they don’t, then you never let anyone in your life far enough to the point where you share lives and it’s memorable moments. I still believe everyone has at least an ounce of good in them but I know they also have at least an ounce of bad. I speak this of everyone, including myself. I'm sitting here in a hotel lobby writing this as I deal with a hurting heart. The emotions are still fresh and the visuals are still clear. I know I cared for you because I felt the pain you caused. I now know you didn’t care for me because as I sit here hurting, you’re having the time of your life. That is how you know. Just the last piece of this section, If someone leaves you and you take them back, they will leave you again. If someone hurts you, they will hurt you again if you take them back. If it happens once, it will happen again. When looking through memories, don't put the bad ones to the side. They happened along with the good ones.
A year ago today, I could never let go. I kept everything and everyone very close to my heart. I never wanted to let people go even when they didn’t deserve my friendship. I allowed people to turn their backs on me yet I still tried to be in their lives. By letting go, I was able to start a new. That was the only way it would have been possible. I thought letting go was giving up but it isn’t. Letting go of something is telling yourself “It’s time to grow. You are going to be okay.” If you are currently reading this, contemplating letting go of something in your life, I am here to let you know that I did it and I survived. I feel as if I am even better than before.
A year ago today, I wouldn’t think I would be standing here, living the life I am. I am a planner. I like things a certain way and to go as assumed. Today, nothing is like I planned. Very few aspects of my life have gone according to schedule. It’s terrifying to think how off course my life is but then I wonder if maybe I’m on the right path. Maybe I’m doing what I am supposed to be doing and am involved with the people I should be involved with. Maybe, just maybe, I am going to be okay.
- B
