I've always been pinned as the girl who would join a sorority. Maybe I had that persona, maybe I looked like one, or talked like one. Whatever the answer was I took pride in it. I took pride in thinking that one day, I would be one of the pretty girls who had a bunch of friends and made people envious of her life by the pictures she posted. To be completely honest, when I graduated high school and went to college I wasn't ready. Before you jump to conclusions, no I didn't constantly party and no I was not sexually assaulted. I attended a commuter college, so I didn't meet many students my age. I was lonely and I was quickly shown that the "Freshman 15" was a thing. Then by the grace of God I found Sigma. I thought it was going to be my forever home… maybe that's because they constantly told me it was. Or maybe I was so vulnerable to wanting to feel like I belonged to a group again, that I was blinded by what was really going on around me. That's the thing about sororities. They don't tell you that meetings are mandatory and that you must complete online modules. In order to be considered an official member. They also don't tell you that your dues every semester will vary and that sometimes they'll "lose" your money. Causing you and everyone else in the chapter to make up thousands of dollars. Of course why would they though? They are "his daughter" and they are nothing but pure women who are only trying to empower others around them. So I did what they wanted me to do. I went to the meetings where they called order and if a sister was not there they made snarky remarks. I did the modules that taught us how to be a woman of character and I paid my semester dues. Then I met my big. At the time, she was on the board and was one of the top dogs. That was another thing with this sorority. There were a group of members ( mainly the board) who were the top dogs and in the know of everything. Then there were the members who were on the outside and just stayed afloat. Which group was better to be a part of? I couldn't tell you.The day I was officially claimed as her little, she immediately told me which members we surround ourselves with and which ones we don't. At the time, I felt so little (figuratively and literally) that I didn't say anything. I was a lost soul who wanted to fit in so badly that I compariased my own thoughts and feelings. Due to my big, I was automatically in the know of everything. For a while it was everything I had dreamed of. Until It wasn't anymore. Until my big and her friends tormented sisters causing them to terminate. Until they started sending the terminated members weight watchers pamphlets thinking it was funny. It wasn't until then that I realized I was living my worst nightmare. I never wanted to be the mean girl. I was once one and I had promised myself I would never go back to that. So, I found my voice and self again. I disowned my big, hoping to restart in the chapter. Now in sororities you only get one big, but in the sorority I was in it wasn't uncommon to disown your original big and get an "adopted big". I wasn't ever planning on getting another big, but it just happened. It was like the stars aligned and one of my best friends in the sorority became my adopted big. Spoiler that didn't end well either. I owe a lot to her though because we just clicked. We ended up being in the same friend group with some of the other members and she called us her "ride or dies". We looked out for each other like little and big should. She spent over $100 for me for my 20th birthday party and I could never truly thank her for how much that meant to me. Not because of the amount of money she spent on me, but because no one had ever put in so much time and effort to make sure my birthday was amazing. Soon after my birthday, incidents started unraveling and I started to see her in a different light. I saw her as someone I could no longer trust and as someone I didn't want in my life anymore. Her actions made it clear that she wanted control and I am not someone who lets people control me. Ever. So I terminated. I tore up my certificate and handed back my $100 tiny badge. It's funny though. They tell you that you're a sister until you die. Funny how that saying fades once you leave. It's a known statement that if you're in a sorority you, "pay for your friends''. I had always denied that and said they were my friends / sisters because we shared an unbreakable bond. Maybe I only said that though because it's what they brainwashed us to thinking.

-XOXO, Former Sorority Girl