I have always had a strong gut even when I was a kid. I knew when something wouldn't work out or when it would. I could sense when things would or wouldn't go my way. It happened in the first grade when I got my first detention, or when my parents got seperated and back together. It continued into high school when I knew the universe wouldn't allow me to have too many good things at one time.

This makes me think I'll end up alone. Not that having a gut makes you alone, but I feel that deep inside myself. I know that sometimes things don't work out and this is one of them, but that's fine. I plan on having a very rewarding career and am highly invested in the interests of my peers and the people I hold dear to my heart. This doesn't mean I am doomed to a life of loneliness - I'm perfectly fine not having a big wedding or children. I am the oldest of four and feel like that's enough for me. I never imagined my future and genuinely saw anyone there. I have always been satisfied being myself.

I know I can live an equally fulfilling life by getting emotionally satisfaction through my friends and through my work. I intend on doing amazing things with my life and just because there is no ring on my finger, it doesn't mean I can't be happy. There is always going to be some part of me, though, that has hope. I know I am going to be alone and that's okay I just want someone to prove me wrong. I still want to find someone to make me feel special or to make me feel like I'm not alone. I know what love feels like and I know that is important.

The crazy thing is though, this isn't even a fleeting thought for me. It's simply hope. Like the crazy hope that our new president isn't accused of sexual assault. It's the same crazy hope that makes me think people are inherently good. I look for this in everyone though. Every guy I talk to and everyone I have feelings for I think is going to be the one that makes me change my mind. If it ever really happens I get scared out of mind. I'm absolutely not ready to settle down or to even start an actual relationship. I like being single with my friends but I bank so much on someone appreciating that part of me.

This leads to a pretty large amount of heartbreak for someone who says they are satisfied being alone. Now I try to remind myself that I'm happy where I am. People try and tell me that I "have plenty of time" but it's not time or anything that is going to make me feel better, only I can make myself remember that nothing good is going to come from me investing in someone if I don't even want a future with them.