As college students we have reached that time in our lives where we have to face reality and accept the fact that Santa Claus is not real. Lets face it, if Santa was the one leaving us presents under the tree, our holiday gifts would be straight A’s and booze. To much despair, this is not the case. However, before the holiday season consisted of all-nighters in the library and strenuous finals, there were simpler times. Times when all year long children are obeying their parents and eating their veggies because “he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake,” and kids usually are good. At least around November and December because there was no way you wanted to be that one lame kid in school who got nothing but coal for Christmas. As children we would even bribe Santa by leaving him milk and cookies, and conveniently hanging our stocking above the fireplace thirsty for presents.
Unfortunately, there comes a traumatic day in every innocent child’s life when they find out that the man, the myth and the legend, Santa Claus, is actually a fraud. Now for some the experience is a lot more bearable than for others. For example, if your parents are anything like mine then they still swear that Santa is real, and they legitimately get appalled when I mention otherwise. Although being the smart kid that I was, I was able to figure out on my own that Santa was not real because Santa and my parents had the exact same wrapping paper and handwriting.
I have talked to a handful of people about how they found out about good ol’ Saint Nick, and sadly, for some children this enlightenment was way more painful. I have composed a list of true stories on the worst ways to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
1. When your parents realize you are at an embarrassingly high age to still believe in Santa, so they straight up tell you that they are the impostors.
2. Asking your mom if the tooth fairy is real and she replies “No... by the way neither is the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus.”
3. Your LITTLE sister tells you.
4. When you’re in third grade and an older boy says Santa is not real and you get so offended and upset that your daycare lady has to tell you he is right.
5. Your best friend calls you on Christmas morning saying “Guess what!!! Santa isn’t real!!!”
6. When Santa writes you back a letter. Then you find out that your mom wrote it with her left hand.
7. Your grandma tells you not to tell your 3-year-old cousin that Santa isn’t real, meanwhile you had no clue.
8. When you’re in eighth grade and are required to give your first grade buddy a gift from Santa and you are left super confused and have to ask.
9. Getting presents from Santa with a crossed out “From: Mom & Dad” on the tag.
10. Your mom thinks you do not believe in Santa anymore so she starts telling you the story of how she found out and you start bawling your eyes out.
11. You spot a mall Santa smoking a cigarette outside Macy’s.
12. Some asshole writes an article on the Worst Ways To Find Out Santa Isn’t Real
