Tons of people I know tell me (sometimes discreetly, sometimes not) that I am too loud, too bossy, too outspoken. That I need to argue less and listen more, and that I should relax and not care so much.

So after hearing this, I stopped to think about why. I know I’m more opinionated, less apologetic, and more outspoken than most women. I’m also about as opinionated, as outspoken, and much MORE apologetic than most men I know, so I get a little cranky when I receive the criticism I do.

My solution has been to become even more bold.

My latest goal is to STOP apologizing when I don’t need to.

I like to think I’m a relatively kind-hearted person who wants others to feel valued and understood. When I hurt someone’s feelings or overstep my boundaries, I recognize that there is a need to apologize.

But most of the time when I say the word “sorry”, I find myself apologizing when I shouldn’t be. When I really don’t need to, just to please those who are telling me to keep quiet and act like a lady.

When I was younger I remember being so upset with my mother when she’d ask me to stop apologizing so much. I apologized for everything little I did, and I never understood why it upset her. Now I get it - she was trying to raise a little girl who didn’t apologize for existing, in a world full of women who do because they’ve always been told to.

When you make a general statement, there is no need to add “I mean, I think” or “but if you think I’m wrong that’s fine” or worst of all, “sorry”. “Sorry” is not a blanket statement for your entire existence. When you make a mistake it is time to apologize. When you hurt someone’s feelings, it is a great time to speak up and make your condolences for your behavior.

But when you are simply taking up space, suggesting an idea, or in someone’s way at the grocery store, you don’t need to say sorry. You can say excuse me - but not sorry. It took me way too long to realize that I do it all the time, and it’s taking me way too long to correct my behavior, but I’m trying.

Because I won’t say “sorry” for speaking my mind, and I don’t think I should have to. I would much rather stand up for who I am and what I believe than stand back and watch life happen without me. I am a grown adult and I have an opinion. Maybe I sometimes step on some toes, but that’s what happens when you have a brain in your head and a mouth that can’t help but speak the truth. I never set out to offend anyone and I certainly don’t mean to upset anyone, generally speaking. No one ever needs to agree with me, but they do need to listen, because I am a grown woman and I have an opinion.

There is a double standard in our society that makes this happen. Women who don’t apologize for things like asking their co workers to pick up their own slack, looking anything less than perfect, or saying no to literally anything are often seen as rude, while men who do the same aren’t even looked at twice.

The double standard isn’t anyone’s fault, but it is everyone’s responsibility. So women, hear me out: try to replace your sorry’s with excuse me’s or better yet, silence. It’s tough, but if you want progress, sometimes you have to be viewed as rude, bossy, self-absorbed, a bitch, or (gasp) a nasty woman.