I am a big dreamer. And I'm an achiever... an overachiever, to be exact. And when I have dreams, I quickly turn them into plans. But I feel like my dreams and plans never work out, especially recently. I'm going through a season of "no." If you've ever felt like this or been through this season yourself, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't... don't worry, your time will come.

So for those of you who don't know, what do I mean by a season of "no"?

I mean that everything that I wanted, that I worked hard for, that I even prayed about I didn't get. I was rejected. I wasn't good enough or even, in some cases, I was too good. All I have been hearing recently is "I'm sorry to tell you this" or "unfortunately, we can not offer you this position at this time" or even "you could've done better on this exam."

As you can imagine, it's frustrating, scratch that, it's infuriating.

I have felt like I'm nothing, I have felt a loss of self, and I don't know what my purpose is anymore. It honestly made me angry. It made me angry at myself, at others, even at God. I didn't understand why He was bringing me to these places with amazing opportunities and making me passionate about these things I wanted and worked hard for. I didn't understand why He would place people in my life that I wanted to invested in and dearly loved for them to just to walk right out of my life. I didn't understand why I would study and pour everything into my academics yet walk away with below my average score. I didn't understand why all these doors were opening just to be slammed in my face. But this is my life.

The anger soon overtook my life and I hated it. And as a result, I hated myself for being angry. I know I am not an angry person, I know that I was done wrong in some situations, and I know that I am better than what I was giving myself credit for. But being so angry overtook my brain. It effected every single thing I said and did. I didn't want to be around people, and I didn't want to try. I honestly just wanted to sit in a room by myself and hate everything. I was hurt and I questioned everything. I tried figuring out everything on my own, that just made me more angry and more hurt so I stopped that. I tried to just move on and ignore the feelings I was having and that's the place I've been until I sat to write this article.

You see, I just chose to ignore these rejection situations and the feelings I had so I could focus on other things in my life. I thought that if I could focus on the things in my life that were working the way I wanted them to, I would forget about the season of "no" I'm in. But I honestly can't focus on anything else. I've been trying to focus on my academics -- that didn't work. I tried focusing on teaching AWANA and getting ready to be a counselor again this summer and camp -- that didn't work either. I tried focusing on my relationships with others, but as you guessed it, that didn't work.

All I can think about is the rejection.

All I can think about is the positions I wanted, the guy I wanted to date, and the grades that I really needed. I thought every "no" that I had received recently that I deserved a "yes." I deserved to be in that leadership position, I deserved a better and more fair grade because I studied for four plus hours for that exam, I deserved that guy to at least try to have a relationship with me.

But I didn't get any of it, I'm left with more hurt and a crushed spirit.

It is in those moments when I felt most defeated, rejected and completely alone. It was in these moments and this state that I realized that I had exhausted all of my options. It was time to face my anger and work through it. I don't want to be an angry person anymore. I want to see the things I have in my life right now and enjoy them. I want to be happy.

I knew what I needed to do in order to be happy, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew that I needed to sit at the feel of Jesus and completely be filled with His living renewing Spirit but I felt so guilty. I knew that I had been so angry at Him for this season of "no" that I didn't want to face Him.

But He waits patiently for us while also working in us.

It started with a song. I was riding in the car with my dad when a song came on the radio that I hadn't heard in a couple of years. It brought me back to the times where I was content with being told "no" because I knew that God loved me and He had better plans for me than I could ever have for myself. It brought me back to a time where I was in a place that I was so joyful because of the constant longing for my Jesus. It brought back memories of being a camper at the camp where I know am a counselor and those memories reminded me of how I am somewhere where God isn't finished with me yet and needs my full commitment. I was nearly brought to tears because the anger was finally releasing off of me.

A couple days later I was listening to my pastor preach a message about how God uses those who believe in the mist of times of unbelief. He began to bring up the story of the thief on the cross. The thief on the cross next to Jesus deserved to die because of his sin nature, and yet Jesus showed him grace, mercy, and love and still died for him and redeemed his soul. I began to think about the ultimate punishment that I truly deserve: I deserve death, I deserve separation from my Perfect Creator because I am a dirty, rotten, nasty sinner. But yet He shows me grace, He shows me mercy, He blesses me abundantly, and continuously loves me no matter what.

He took the one thing that I so rightly deserved, death, and gave me something that I can never do to deserve, life. It was because of this rejection, His "no" to us receiving our punishment and His "yes" to an abundant blessing that is eternal life with our Creator.

How then can I be angry with the "no's" of life when He ultimately has a better "yes"? I can't, I am in complete awe of my Redeemer, I can't help but praise His name for the "no's" I have received because He has blessed me abundantly and I have full faith that He will continue to bless me.

I know this season of "no" is anything but easy. However, I know how big my God is and I can promise you one thing: He has better things in store for those who love Him.