As my senior year approaches, I’ve been getting endless questions about what I want to do next, what my are plans for the future, and so on. Before I became positive on what I wanted to do, I just normally said I planned on going to grad school or doing an internship after I graduated. No one asked why, they just asked where I wanted to go and what I wanted to focus on in grad school, which never seemed to bother me until I decided to follow my heart, which changed my answer to what I wanted to do after I graduate.
My answer is that I want to join the military and work with soldiers with Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). When I made that decision I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I’ve always had an itch to join the military ever since I was about 8 years old. Many of my family members have been a part of the military and have amazing stories that I was always so eager to hear. Growing up I listened to my dad’s and grandpa’s stories of when they were at war or in the Army and what they did. I listened to how much they loved it and what they learned from it. Also while growing up, one of my uncles was an active military member so when he would come to visit us he always had cool uniforms, equipment, pictures, and even cooler stories to tell. I remember just sitting on the floor listening him tell stories and hanging onto every word. I was so amazed and thought it was the coolest thing ever. My uncle also went on three deployments. After one of his deployments to Iraq, he came to visit during Christmas and got us some pretty unique presents from Iraq that remain some of my favorite presents 12 years later. One present that sticks out in particular was a mock Army Helicopter Pilot Uniform. Something very similar to what my uncle wore and it even had my own badge with my name on it saying I was a pilot for the Army. I thought it was the most amazing gift ever and I'm pretty sure I even wanted to sleep in it at one point. Unfortunately, it does not fit anymore since I got it when I was 9 years old, but when I put it on I had this feeling it was something I wanted to be a part of.
The military was not always my first choice, I listened to everyone else’s opinions and changed my route, plus I always just thought you were only infantry and had to fight in war. I never realized that there were other opportunities in the military until I was much older and had my mind “set” already on what I wanted to be. So I never gave the military any serious thought. But nothing is ever set in stone, plans can change, and people switch their paths. I started changing my plans to what I wanted to do instead of what was expected of me or what would get me the most money. I decided I wanted a career in psychology. I was going to go to graduate school and eventually get my Ph.D. Yet, the thought still didn’t make me completely happy. Randomly, I decided to look into the military just to see what opportunities they had available. Maybe it was luck or fate, but I found my ideal career: a research psychologist that focused on PTSD. It was a career in the military and something that dealt with a mental illness. I never felt more passionate or driven to reach toward a goal. A fire was ignited in me that made me realize this was what I wanted, a huge smile spread across my face confirming this was the right choice.
(My Dad's army picture)
So when people would ask me what I wanted to do next, I would say proudly that I wanted to join the military and become a research psychologist. Yet, after I would say the forbidden “m” word (AKA military), everyone’s expressions changed from eager to disappointed, confused, or even slightly disgusted. Immediately, I would be asked, “why?” or “are you sure?” with a concerned tone. I was caught so off guard at first, no one ever asked me why I wanted to go to college or graduate school so why are people asking me why I want to join the military? At first I thought it was because I never got to explain myself, so I would explain. Then immediately everyone started telling me their opinions or immediately why it was a bad idea. At first, it hurt...a lot. I was so upset that people were basically disappointed in me and my choice. I was told I was wasting my degree and my knowledge and that I wasn’t reaching my full potential or even setting myself back. Although the intentions and meaning these people had were for my “best interest” I was upset that it was people who were so close to me telling me this. Complete strangers would congratulate me and tell me it was amazing what I was doing, but friends and family said the complete opposite. I didn’t care about their approval, but I did want their support. It took me a while to figure out how to deal with this, so I avoided telling people that I wanted to join the military for a bit. It wasn’t that I was ashamed of my decision, I knew it was what I still wanted to do, but I was still hurt from how other people reacted. Never would I have imagined that people would attempt to crush my dream, belittle my passion, or imply it was a bad decision. I have always thought out every decision and this made me happy, so why wasn’t everyone else happy for me? Was I really wasting my degree? Was I setting myself back? Am I doing it for the wrong reasons? Is this the wrong decision? I always had the same answer to my questions and it was no. I’m not wasting my degree because research psychology and PTSD is related to psychology, which is what I will be getting my degree in. I am not setting myself back because I will be amongst the best officers and soldiers in America and I will gain experience that people in my field can only dream of getting. I definitely am NOT doing it for the wrong reasons, because I want to help soldiers who fight for our country. I want them to be able to go home after war and live a normal life, which is a pretty selfless reasoning if you ask me. So is this the wrong decision? Absolutely not. This is something I am passionate about, eager to be a part of, and beyond proud to talk about.
I always used to think I never cared about others’ opinions of me but that was only because I did what everyone expected me to do. When I stopped doing that, I realized how much I really did care. Everyone’s opinion mattered to me, I was a people pleaser and I wanted everyone to be proud of me. Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily, but when it prevented me from being happy I couldn’t do it anymore. It hurt at first, watching people look at me differently or basically insult my career path and honestly, it still stings a little every now and then. But I learned to truly not care anymore or at least not care as much. All that matters is that I am happy and proud of myself. I have the support I need from people who matter most, (even if they did say “Do I want you to do it? No. But do I support you? 100%) and that’s all I need. Basically, I’m going to do what makes me happy and if that makes me young and foolish, so be it. If I have to learn the hard way then I will, but right now this makes me happy and I couldn’t ask for more.
Nothing is guaranteed, I might not even get accepted, but nothing will stop me from trying.
(My Uncle Victor when he was an active helicopter pilot for the Army)
