Why You Should Always Tell Someone How You Feel
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Why You Should Always Tell Someone How You Feel

I always thought I could get over you, but I guess I haven't.

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Why You Should Always Tell Someone How You Feel
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In dedication to the guy I've had a crush on for the past four years. This may turn out to be the best or worst decision I've ever made.

It is crazy to think that around this time, four years ago, I realized I had a crush on you. We were in the same first period, hardly said a word to each other. Except, I always laughed at the jokes or little side comments you made before the first period bell rang. It was your humor that attracted me to you. The way you said certain words or your reactions to people always caused me to laugh, whether you did it intentionally or not. I thought it was a silly little crush that would fade away, but I guess it never did. Four years later, I still get butterflies when your name flashes across my iPhone screen.

At the time, you were single, and I always thought I had a chance with you. Not only were you athletic and intelligent, but I always wanted to get to know you better. There was this mysterious side of you that I wanted to explore and call my own. Despite seeming like one of the popular kids in our grade, you always kept to yourself. People knew things about you, but your life was not fully known to the whole student body. In a way, I wanted to be the person you confided your secrets to or you sought advice from. Maybe that is why when you asked me to proofread your essay for English, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. You also proceeded to get second opinions on our science classwork, which added to the feelings I already had. I thought you valued me. That would lead me to make the rash decision to ask my best friend, at the time, to see what you thought about me during your history class since you sat next to each other. I guess that is the perk of alphabetically seating sometimes, huh? Thinking back on it, I never got a true response from her, so I guess I will never know if she actually asked you or not.

However, at the start of the new year, I found out you got a girlfriend. I was disappointed. I felt like my heart had shattered across the hallway floor the moment I saw you two walking to class together. In all honesty, that crushed my self esteem as well since she was just prettier than me. I played it off that I was happy for the both of you because all I wanted was for you to be happy. However, I wanted to be the girl that brought that adorable smile on your face. I wished that to be me.

By the time sophomore year came around, we did not have any classes together. Occasionally, I would see you and just smile because I thought we were on good terms. Sometimes you returned the smile, but sometimes you didn't. You were still dating her, but I was not as upset about it as I was the previous school year. Maybe because at this point, I was growing another crush on someone else, so I did not pay that much attention to you. That was when I heard off and on rumors that the two of you guys had broken up. I will never understand what kind of drama, if any at all, was going on in your life with her, but I knew I always just wanted the best for you. Is it crazy that I cared so much for someone who barely paid any attention to me for two years of high school?

Junior year, that was the best year in terms of us, or at least in my mind. We had a few classes together and got to the point of texting, which always made me smile. That was also the year that I realized I never lost feelings for you even though we hardly communicated the previous year. Once again, am I crazy? We had so many inside jokes and felt like you were beginning to confide in me, secrets I still will never tell another soul, just like how I dreamed of back freshman year.

We also began hanging outside of school, which, at the time, always seemed like a dream come true. Like before, I got my hopes that maybe we would get together. For me, all of this felt like when you are anticipating for the main characters to finally acknowledge their feelings for another like the moment when Ross and Rachel finally got together on Friends, or Derek Shepherd and Meredith Grey on Grey's Anatomy, or even Lucas Scott and Peyton Sawyer on One Tree Hill.

I was still rooting for us even when it seemed impossible. Yet, you were still with someone. The rumors continued about the two of you, and all I wanted was just to show you the way you deserve to be treated.

Senior year, in itself, was a messy year. We still hung out from time to time until early November, when I'm afraid you got annoyed or sick of me. My biggest worry is that the reason why you distanced yourself was because I came out as pansexual, only a few weeks earlier. I lost my best friend because I came out, so I guess I was suffering from paranoia that I would lost everyone that means something to me.

Yet, I still had feelings for you. Maybe you didn't realize you pushed me away a bit, but also maybe your girlfriend told you to? Who knows. To this day, I think everyone knew of my feelings for you except you. Or maybe you actually knew and chose to ignore it because you were in a relationship. We kind of talked or said hello to each other in the hallway, kind of like sophomore year but a little better.

You would occasionally text me for whatever reason, whether it was homework related or just to make a comment on each other's Snapchat. At this point, I know I was trying my hardest to get over you since we were in our last few months of high school. We both had big city dreams we were destined to chase, so I had no idea when, or even if, I would ever see you again.

After commencement, it seems like we both lost connection for an extent that summer. We were both moving away from the safety of our small hometown to find something more meaningful. Sure, I thought of you at moments, but never saw the point in a summer fling, if it were to happen and I finally told you how I felt, hypothetically speaking. We were both getting ready to start a new beginning in our lives. The whole situation was just complicated and I didn't want to make it worse, I guess. What was the point of confessing my feelings for you for a short lived romance, when I always craved more. I wanted to be more than just a hook up. With you being in a so-called off and on relationship with your girlfriend, I always felt it was inappropriate to tell you how I felt since you guys were just always assumed to be together even during the rough patches. I never wanted to be the person who intentionally ruined someone else's happiness, and it was evident you made her happy at times.

Essentially, I planned on telling you how I felt the day I moved out to Philadelphia, so it would really be a fresh beginning for me. Like mentioned, I had no idea if our paths would cross again since we were heading in opposite directions of each other. I owed it to myself. I thought I needed to finally say or text to you what I've been hiding for the past four years, so I could move on. Guess what never happened? If you are said boy reading this article, hello. Now you know my deepest secret. I am sorry you had to find out this way.

To anyone who is either in the same boat as I or debating if they should confess their feelings to their current crush, do it. I tried pursing a relationship through a childish way of having someone tell him, "hey my friend likes you." This is probably the biggest regret of my life. When I had the opportunity back during freshman year, I should have told him. Never be afraid to make yourself vulnerable and let someone know how you are feeling. Who knows, maybe if I told this kid how I was feeling back in the day, things would have been different? I guess we will never know.

If you have something to say to someone, say it. It is better to say it and face the possible rejection to become a stronger person than hold it all inside and regret it later on. Carpe diem.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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