1. You're constantly blowing up the newsfeed with ESPN or Fox News updates.
The majority doesn't really care and the companies didn't hire you to keep your 161 followers in the loop.
2. You're a new member of an Amish community and modern day technology has been taken away from you.
I mean, this is the only logical explanation for you no longer making an appearance in social media interactions.
3. Your picture is an egg.
I eat those for breakfast.
4. I see we have "3 mutual friends/followers!"
Our parents warned us about you. End of story.
5. I can't tell if you're a porn spam or if that profile picture was actually uploaded in your own doing.
If no one can tell the difference, then you're both the spam account and that one girl no one can take seriously.
6. "Hey, you're really pretty! *insert emoticon*"
THIS NEVER WORKS. It's just creepy and putting your gender to shame. If you must flirtatiously direct message someone then have yourself some purpose, confidence, and wit.
7. Your lack of understanding separation between the church and your social media accounts.
God is great, God is good and acknowledging boundaries is a fantastic way to avoid confrontational twitter rants.
8. You're my mom...
Uploading pictures to the "Family, Friends, and Fun!" Facebook album is okay and kind of cute. Tweeting about cleaning the house or awkwardly phrasing hardships every mom has is where we draw the line; time to find you a job, Mama.
9. You tweet: "I lost 4 followers and gained 6 today."
Wow, you care that much. To be honest, not one other person is interested in this statistic.
10. You tweet more than three times a day.
This would be perfectly acceptable if they were hilarious retweets from comedy accounts and we'd probably get along very well!
11. You cheated on me or you betrayed my trust.
Okay, so I'm still bitter. Does it mean I need to "get over it" and prove this by following or friending you back? Nah, just give it time – you know that saying, "Time heals all wounds"? Let's give that one a shot.
12. You have "THE" before your username.
That was THE end of whatever we had in social media connections.
13. You never miss a #SelfieSunday (#SS) post.
Wow, alright; just bring back the guy with the church and social media separation anxiety. At least he advocates something deeper than the v-cut Becky likes to share every week.
14. U TiP3 LyK3 Di$!!<3333 #h8 #you #hashtag.
Meet my 10-year-old sister who has an app for this kind of "fun" internet language.
15. You're on a different level of happiness when it's all you tweet/post about.
Waking up for an 8 a.m. Monday lecture and reading something my newsfeed like, "What a GREAT and WONDERFUL day it is!! *Insert selfie*," only makes me feel guilty for hating Mondays.
