You know the tables have turned when you are forced to choose a between a dinner date with Edward Cullen or Gale Hawthorne and -- gasp -- you
hesitate! What happened? Where did Edward Cullen’s irresistible allure go? It
seems as if girls' sights have shifted elsewhere, and none of the views involve
these pale skinned, devilishly handsome night walkers. I won’t lie; Edward
Cullen’s physical allure has not gone anywhere. He is gorgeous and has a voice
as smooth as velvet, but the rest of the baggage is too much to handle.
Vampire boyfriends have been moved into the Most Impractical Boyfriend column.
Here are some reasons why.
1. You can never go to the beach together
Unless you live in a location where it is rainy every day, or
vamp-boy has a magic ring that keeps him from roasting faster than chestnuts
over an open fire at Christmas, you are fresh out of luck. How irritating would
that be? Having to base your social outings with him on the weather. If it is
a beautiful day out, and the sun is shining and the birds singing at your
window, you are on your own. No long walks on the beach, or any long walks, for
that matter. You would not want to risk the sun peeking through the clouds. Staying
indoors all day is depressing with all those curtains over the windows, and bad
for your health! Not to mention boring. In this case, do not cross over to the
dark side. Head towards the light!
2. Dinner might be awkward
Since his tastes are more liquid based, why even go on dinner
dates if he is just going to sit there and not eat? It is uncomfortable to be
stuffing your face with ravioli while he just sits there watching. Also, since
he is not eating, does he pay or you? No cute frozen yogurt dates, late night
tacos are out of the question, and no popcorn during a movie. What kind of life
is that?! We may not like to admit it, but food is a huge
social factor. In many situations, food is the bonding factor with friends, family, and colleagues. I am sure none of these people know of
any restaurants that serve actual bloody Marys, without the celery stick of
course.
3. He is immortal. You will die
That was a harsh slap in the face, but get with it! He is
immortal! You are not! The three choices you have in this scenario all suck. You
can dump him, turn into a vampire, or stay with him in human form. However, if
you dump him then no other guy will compare to him. If you go vamp, then you
watch all your friends and family grow old without you. If you stay with him
and grow old as a human -- ew. None of these options seem to have the
all-inclusive happy ending we want.
All in all, the drama outweighs the yumminess that is your
vampire boyfriend, which makes this specific breed the most unpractical suitors out
there. Do not get me wrong, the chiseled abs, rich lifestyle, and flawless
complexion are all very tempting, but I am a beach lover, a pasta enthusiast, and all about natural
lifestyles. So hand me Spiderman, James Bond, or Captain Jack Sparrow. Maybe
their checkbooks are not as loaded as Edward’s, but at least I know the red in
their glass is wine instead of B positive.
