Growing up, I was never the skinniest girl, but I wasn’t big either. I was somewhere in between. When I was a teenager, I was “too skinny” for my size and I should gain more weight. As I got older, doctors told me to watch my weight or that I gained weight. I am a tall 4 foot 11 inches and for my age and height, I read the other day that I should not be more than 115. Well I guess that isn’t going to happen anytime soon, seeing my current weight is 150 pounds. Damn, did I just say my scale number for the world to know... I did. Who cares. It is a number, not who I am.
Let’s be honest, though, that number, whatever it may be to anyone, it eats at us at one or more points in our life. It has definitely been an issue for me a couple times. I was always self conscious on my body image. Rather, my ass was too big, my thighs were too wide, my belly is too bloated or too big, or my love handles are showing. I became critical on what size I could fit in. Shirts have always been a small or medium, but never really bothered me.
What my biggest problem was pants and shorts. Especially shorts. My butt is on the bigger side, so I would force myself to fit into a smaller size. Anything above a 6 made me cringe. Pants would always be too long, too big around my small waist, but too tight around my butt and thighs. I would think, damn, how awful do I look in those shorts? What is wrong with my body? I was scared of looking in the mirror and hated what I saw.
Then I realized maybe if I dress the body I have instead of trying to be someone else, maybe I will love what I see. If I embrace my body shape and dress it as it is, then I can love my body. Everyone has a body. Why should mine be compared to a number that it doesn’t match? Why should I think my body isn’t good looking enough because I have thick thighs and curves? My body doesn’t define me. My body and my weight don’t show that I am caring, loving, helpful, positive, stubborn, independent all wrapped up into one. The number doesn’t show the muscle I have in my legs, ass, arms, back. The number doesn’t measure my athletic ability, personality, self confidence, or intelligence.
Instead of comparing myself to what I should look like, or a number, or to other people, I learned to love my weight and my body. When I am feeling my worse, I dress myself the best I can and remind myself you are beautiful. I remind myself my body is me. It is unique and different. I tell myself I am not a name besides the one given to me at birth, Samantha. I am not fat or ugly or not enough.
I am not the number 150. I am me and that’s all that matters Everyone comes in all shapes and sizes. Everyone is unique. We all have our flaws and we have our bonuses. We are not the same. We are all different and we are definitely not a number on a scale or a size. Those are just objects and numbers. They are not who we are. So whoever you are, embrace your fat ass, no ass, skinny ass.
Embrace your thighs, your hair, lips, your eyes, your height and your weight. Because you are you. You are beautiful, you are important, you are valuable and you are not the number on the scale. And when your thoughts come creeping through to remind you of your flaws, remind yourself of your favorite parts of you. Remind yourself you are you and that is enough.
