At 21, I haven't had much experience with men. I never dated in high school because I was insecure and in love with someone who thought nothing of me. Something I didn't want to admit to myself until after high school. When I was 18, I lost my virginity to a 27 year old man who I have known most of my life. He and I worked together, and for some reason, I knew I wanted him to be my "first". He turned me down the first time because I was a virgin. Eventually, he believed I was mature enough to understand the consequences of what we were going to do. He was going to move away, and we would be a one night stand. However, that's not how it worked. He never left, and after being an asshole towards me for about two months, we became friends with benefits. I liked being with him because he was an asshole. Correction: because he *admitted* he's an asshole. Even though we weren't a serious couple, I was never afraid of him doing anything to hurt me. I never once thought he was seeing someone else. I never worried about why he wasn't texting me back. Because we had nothing to hide from one another. Things could end at any moment. He's an asshole, he isn't going to sugarcoat things for me. (He still doesn't sugarcoat things for me.) As I watched my friends' relationships crack and crumble because of uncertainty, I was completely content with my fuck buddy. Of course, relationships like that can never last. About 6 months later, he broke it off. I was crushed. I didn't realize how much I cared about him until I didn't have him anymore. After a few mental breakdowns and borderline psychotic text messages, he told me he didn't want to hurt me. Even if I said I could handle it, he didn't want it on his conscience that he broke my heart. But that's exactly what happened. We stayed friends, I think mainly because we still work together. Though the last year has been rough between us, he's still one of-if not my number one-best friend. He's been there for me more than most. When my grandfather died, he was the only one who was there to support me. Even though we were no longer a couple, he still cared.

It took me a long time to let myself find someone else. I never wanted to let go of what I had with him. But eventually I had to move on. There were a few guys I talked to, but nothing ever serious came about from any of them.

Until one night, while waiting tables, a new man appeared in my life. He was cute, and I could tell he thought I was cute too. After looking at the name on his credit card slip, he turned out to be a friend of a friend. Our mutual friend gave him my number, and from there, something blossomed. Before risking another heartbreak, I asked my friend if this guy was an asshole. I told her I couldn't put up with anymore of them, I wanted a nice guy for a change. She said he was one of the good guys, and if she was such good friends with him, it must be true. We met for drinks after work the next night, and at 2AM, he took me home and left with a kiss. Although I didn't feel the same type of passion I felt before, I still really liked him. About five days later, I invited him over to my place. He came over & took a shower, then sat down on the couch with me. We talked for a couple of minutes while The Sopranos echoed in the background. Then, I climbed on top of him and after kissing for several minutes and him removing my shirt, I led him to my bedroom. He was the first guy I ever slept with in my own bed. The second guy I ever slept with-period. Like our kissing, it didn't have the same passion as I had known before. He was rough, something I wasn't used to. And I admit now, after he fell asleep that night, I cried to myself. I eventually realized I was overreacting. He's one of the "nice guys", it will be different the next time we sleep together. He left early that morning, and as soon as I felt my bed was empty, I missed him. Later he told me he tried to wake me, but I was dreaming too deeply. The next week or so was wonderful. He was exactly the "nice guy" I imagined. He was thoughtful & caring. After talking to him about our night together, he went slower & softer the next time around. It was the first time I ever came from penetration. Even though it still felt like something was missing, it was glorious. When he left that next morning, I was awake this time. He gave me kisses and told me "only be bad for me, honey". I was on Cloud 9. But the next morning, I didn't hear from him. "He's just busy", I told myself. For several days, our general communication had been through random & sporadic Snapchats. I was starting to feel terrible. I had just slept with him and now I couldn't seem to get a conversation out of him. I, being the idiot that I am, decided to confront him. I typed out all my feelings on the matter and hit send. About two minutes later, I realized I had fucked up. I overreacted. I was being selfish. After a few more texts from me begging for forgiveness, he replied. He told me he *was* very busy. He wasn't ignoring me and he was sorry for making me feel that way. *The last thing he wanted to do was hurt me.* That's when I knew-he was about to rip out my heart and burn it Indiana Jones style. For about two weeks, I tried everything in my power to get him to come see me. We needed to talk, even he said so. Finally, after another borderline psychotic text from me, he told me he just couldn't go through this again. He had been down this road before and it always ended the same. He didn't want a relationship with anyone right now. A statement that shook me, because he never once mentioned that. He always said he planned on sticking around. I told him I was different, even though at that moment, I looked like all the rest. "Would you ever have told me?" I asked. "Yes. I'm not an asshole," he said. But what he didn't realize, or didn't want to admit, is that he IS an asshole. Nice guys don't lead girls on. Nice guys tell girls how they're feeling.

After this, and a few more stories I have tucked away, I've decided that from now on, I will only date men who are assholes. I will only date the men who openly admit that they aren't one of the "nice ones". Because the nice ones are the ones you have to look out for. These guys are the ones who will lead you on. Make you see a future with them. Even though I didn't know him very long, I really liked him. I wanted him to eventually be someone who I could have a future with. I told him early on that I fell for assholes. He told me, "I'm not one of them." Stupid me, I believed him.