If you are like me you will agree that the idea of a strapless bra brings you to a state of deep seated anger that has no way of dissipating unless you are free to not wear such a horrible contraption.

Women are #blessed with boobs and these boobs require some equipment to keep things looking perky and cute. Now the traditional brazier, as the French say, works quite well. You’ve got your basic back strap and two shoulder straps to create the perfect over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder that lifts and suspends your twins against gravity nicely.

Now, moving on to the other common variation of the bra would be the strapless. It is the least useful and least dependable piece of clothing sitting in my drawer.

It is physically impossible for it to work properly. The strapless bra lacks the shoulder straps that do the real work. It is like laying two melons on a shelf and hoping they don’t roll off.

They also cause the inevitable landslide. Immediately following the initial application of the bra, things seem to be sitting well, but then as your night progresses it slips lower and lower down your body until it isn’t even supporting your headlights. Instead, it is creating the effect of an additional pair of sweater stretchers sitting on your upper stomach.

To try to combat these problems, you will turn the useless article into a boa constrictor. You put it on the tightest hook hoping that will save it from falling. But then you feel like you are being squeezed to death, and end up with the red impressions that simply remind you of its ineptitude.

After a few failed wears, you think “Oh, it’s just this model. I need newer, better, bigger.” So you go to Victoria’s Secret (her only secret is all these bras are astronomically over priced) and shell out more cash for brand new memory-foam-air-cushion-silicone-lined-holy grail of bras that will definitely work.

But the next time you wear it the same problems occur. So you finally come to the realization that trying to find a functioning strapless bra, as the great Hillary Duff said, “is like waiting for rain in this drought, useless and disappointing.”