Why I Stopped My Suicide
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Health and Wellness

Why I Stopped My Suicide

I just wanted to be free

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Why I Stopped My Suicide

Before reading this article please keep in mind that this could trigger some people. Thank you and enjoy!

Everyone goes through a hard time at one point in their life, but sometimes having a bad day mixed with depression, could possibly be your last day. I didn't have the perfect childhood. I had a lot of traumatic things happen to me. I have been sexually abused at age 5, and have been bullied for most of my life. Over the years I just told myself I had to deal with it. That over time, the flashbacks would stop and that I would be okay. When I entered my freshman year of high school, there was a junior who committed suicide. Everyone in my school felt the effect, whether they knew her or not. Even though I never knew her, I still sat and cried. I didn't cry because I thought it was sad, I cried because I realized there was a way for all the pain to stop, realizing that there was a way out. I cried because part of me wanted to know what it was like for the pain to stop, I wanted to know what it was like to no longer have flashbacks, to finally have a peace of mind.

After having these thoughts I told myself I was being silly. I tried to shove all of those type of thoughts out of my head. During the day I was a happy girl, who tried not to let people get to her, but at night i would lay in bed and think about all the horrible things that have happened to me, I started to tell myself I deserved all of it, that I was an awful person who should have bad things happen to her.

Nearing the end of my freshman year a teacher of mine was murdered. Again the whole school was impacted. Though the situation was scary and I felt sorry for her friends and family I still had the thoughts come back into my head. I wondered what it would feel like for the flashbacks to stop, for my brain to stop yelling at me all day everyday. What it would be like to not think that everyone hates you. I wanted to know what it felt like to to finally be free and at peace.

When summer came, I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like if everything just stopped. When my sophomore year started, freedom was the only thing on my mind. I refused to talk to anyone about it, thinking that they would call me crazy or they would think that I was being over-dramatic. Till one day, I hurt someone who I loved dearly. I felt like the worst human being to ever walk the planet. Knowing that I hurt someone who I love made my whole body hurt. I sat in my room and cried for hours.

The pain that I was feeling made it hard for me to breathe. Then the thoughts came back, how I just wanted all of it to end. I told myself that everyone would be better off without me and that I would be better off without any pain. I wasn’t scared of going to Heaven or Hell, all I wanted was for everything to stop.

I went over to my grandmother's nightstand and took out all of the medications that she had to take. There was medication for high blood pressure. I opened the bottle and poured as many of the pills as I could into my hand. I thought about writing a letter, but second guessing thinking that no one could care for me that much. I was seconds away from putting all the pills in my mouth and having everything stop, when I heard the children that live across the street from me, laughing. I closed my eyes, letting that sound sink in. I thought about how I wanted a family in my future. How I want a husband and kids. I could picture them standing in front of me with a smile on their faces, and for the first time in a long time I felt peace. I realized that in my future, I will be happy, I could be at peace.

I started thinking of my family and how they didn’t hate me. I knew that I need to get help, but I wasn’t ready to admit what I thought about, and almost pursued. The summer of my Senior year of high school, one of my friends committed suicide, and I felt sad and cried, and the instead of the voices in my head telling me it would be great to free, the voices were saying, at least she is at peace and is no longer suffering. After her suicide I decided to get help.

Even though it has been almost four years since I thought about ending my life, everyday is a battle. I try to find the beauty in everything. I always remind myself that I have friends and family who love me and that they mean the world to me. Everyday I am getting stronger, even on my bad days. I keep reminding myself of how far that I have come.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. It’s okay to ask for help, it doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you need a little guidenies . There are people who want to help you. Sometimes even talking to a friend will even help.

“You are where you need to be, just take a deep breath” -Lana Parrilla

National Suicide Prevention Hotline :1-800-273-8255
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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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