A little known fact about me is that I don’t like animals; I don’t hate them, I’m just not a big fan but no, I’m not an evil person. I love babies, the elderly, sunshine, just not your smelly cat. I can appreciate wild animals, I think being vegan to protest against animal cruelty is a cool idea, and I love seeing the relationship other people build with their pets, but when your dog comes around, no I won’t let it lick my face. I promise you that non-animal loving people can be trusted and aren’t serial killers. They actually may have a very good reason why they don’t love animals:
Allergies: I blame my lack of affection for animals on my severe allergies to them. The most haunting memories of my childhood were having to sleepover friends’ houses that had pets. In between prank-calling boys and games of MASH, I would hide in the corner taking hits of my inhaler. And let’s not forget about the time I went on a family vacation (which included my grandparent’s dog) when I was forced to sleep in the car all week because I couldn’t breathe inside with pet dander clogging up my airways.
They’re terrifying: Pet animals are not always cute and small; some are actually huge and look like they could eat you in a single gulp. My best friend and I actually bonded over our mutual indifference toward animals. Her story definitely falls under this category. When she was a young, pigtail wearing, Hannah Montana loving, Braceface she was attacked by a “friendly” neighborhood dog who managed to rip her braces completely out of her mouth. Ouch, bet that dentist bill was expensive.
Pets are dirty and smelly: Animals have absolutely no manners; they don’t clean up after their messes, they shed like crazy, and they pee and poop wherever they please. Why do animal lovers think its okay for them to do this?! One time I went to a monkey sanctuary, and I actually pulled off pretending to be an animal person for some time while I was there. We were each given 2 bananas to feed the monkeys and, excitedly, I walked up to the tree, threw my bananas in the air and encouraged the monkeys to eat them. After a half hour, all my friends’ bananas were gone while both of mine remained planted in my hands. I started to feel discouraged when, all of a sudden, the chief monkey swung down from the top rung. Yes, yes, he was going to eat my banana. My friends got their cameras ready as the monkey neared. A few inches away from me, the monkey stopped, looked at me evilly, laughed, and proceeded to “mark its territory”. Safe to say my friends had a lot of good laughs later as they scrolled past their cutesy pictures of feeding the “friendly” monkeys to pictures of my face, betrayed and horrified, as the monkey peed all over me.
The worst part about not being an animal lover is that truly, I want to love animals. I have tried time and time again, but I always come to the conclusion that I would much prefer to hang out with my people friends. Hopefully all fellow non-animals lovers can relate to this article and everyone who has ever said, “I don’t trust people who don’t like animals,” finally understand our struggle. If you promise to not look at me as though I murdered your first-born child, I promise to continue to appreciate your animals... from a minimum distance
