My whole life has depended on validation. I thrived on the constant reassurance that I was accepted into whatever circle I found myself in, even the ones I wasn’t normally a part of. I would spend my time with others sitting quietly, observing their mannerisms and behavior, and later used those observations to create a version of myself that fit in with everyone else. Sometimes I spoke up or went against the norm, but if it was too much then I quickly mumbled “sorry,” and silenced myself. I felt safe within my many personas, because I had achieved acceptance.
Until I hadn’t.
I decided to take a journey toward self acceptance one day. I spent most of my life struggling with my own self image, and I eventually came to the realization that I needed to start loving myself. As I looked within myself, I realized I would love myself more if I actually started acting like myself. My journey toward self love began to turn into a journey of self discovery.
Over time my personas started to disappear from view, leaving my true self exposed for everyone to see. Those that weren’t fine with it began to walk away, leaving me plagued with guilt. I apologized profusely, trying anything to salvage the friendships that were disappearing. “I’m sorry,” became a regular phrase that I said whenever someone voiced their displeasure, even if it was someone I barely knew. My need to be accepted by everyone became overbearing.
Then it dawned on me. Why should I have to feel sorry for the people that criticize me? They made the decision that I wasn’t someone that they could bear to be around. Even my former friends’ reservations towards me began to seem silly. What friend would want to walk away from someone over petty differences?
Once I started to let those worries go, I decided I wasn’t sorry anymore.
I wasn’t sorry for the life lessons that shaped me into the unique, one of a kind person I am today. I wasn’t sorry for changing into someone who felt comfortable in her own skin, as opposed to someone who had to blend in just to avoid causing problems.
I wasn’t sorry for having different views than the people I thought I was close to, and I definitely wasn’t sorry for voicing my views. An important part of any kind of relationship is communicating, and being able to talk about topics that may be controversial. I’ve always tried to remain even-toned when debating with others, which hasn’t always gone over well. The people that aren’t a fan of this don’t deserve any kind of apology from me.
I’m still working on my journey towards loving myself, but I’m becoming more confident about who I am. I’m stronger, more vocal, and I don’t need to hide behind a mask any longer. My views are all mine, and I’m no longer afraid to speak to those views when I feel the need to do so.
And I’m not sorry about any of that anymore.
