Hi, my name's Jensen, and I'm terrified of growing up.
It didn't always used to be this way. As is the case with most young children, I couldn't wait to be old enough to stay up past my bedtime, get my driver's license, watch R-rated movies, and vote. When I was in elementary school, I dreamed of the day when I could get my high school diploma and go off to college to do...whatever it was I thought college students did. I thought growing up was going to be great--much better than being a kid, anyway.
Now I'm 19 years old and on my way to becoming a real, bona fide adult. I stay up past my bedtime all the time simply because I often have too much anxiety to fall asleep in a timely fashion. It took me longer than it should have to get my driver's license because I just really don't like driving. I hardly ever watch R-rated movies. The 2016 presidential election is the first time I've been able to do my civic duty as far as voting is concerned, and we all know how that one's going. The bottom line is, I'm really not impressed with growing up.
Pretty much any time I'm presented with anything that could be even remotely considered an adult task or decision, I dig in my heels and ignore it. It seems like everything changed all at once, and I feel caught off-guard by how fast it all went, even though it didn't go by very fast at all. I still spent 13 years in school, and 18 years living under my parents' roof full time, but I spent a majority of that time wishing it away. It's like I wasted my entire childhood and adolescence, and that feels pretty nasty, so I've found myself regressing, in a way. Watching cartoons, playing computer games I haven't even thought about in years, reminiscing with my friends about how much simpler high school was, coloring in my coloring book (I'm serious).
All that only makes me more conscious of all the things I still have to learn. I've never rented an apartment, or done my own taxes, or paid a utility bill. There are people I went to high school with who are getting married and getting their own places and buying cars. Meanwhile, today I had to emotionally prepare for 10 minutes before making an important phone call. I don't even really know if I picked the right college major. It's a very confusing pressure of feeling simultaneously too adult and not adult enough, which needless to say is not a comfortable in-between.
Whenever I send my mom a random text in the middle of the day that says something like, "I have no idea what I'm doing" or "I think I'm wasting my time", she always tells me to relax and not rush it, that I'll figure it out eventually. The thing is, despite the fact that I don't feel ready to grow up, I'm still rushing it. I want to get out of this awkward transitional phase in my life and get to where I (hopefully) feel more stable and secure, and I want it to happen as soon as possible. But even more than that, I also want to go back to being a kid, before I had any substantial responsibility.
I know I'm not really an adult yet. I still have a little time left, but I wish there was some way to make it easier. I want to be a good adult, someone who has it all together. I want to be someone that my ten-year-old self could look at and say, "I want to be like him when I get older." Maybe I'll get there one day. For right now, all of this is getting pretty daunting to think about. I think I'm going to go watch Spongebob, instead.
