Falling in love. When we're kids, we're told magical stories about how wonderful love is, how falling in love will change your whole life in one second. When we're in our twenties, we're told to chase it. Chase the love you crave because there's nothing in the world more beautiful and satisfying than falling in love. When we're in our thirties and forties, we're told to keep working for it, keep falling in love with your partner. And after all that, we're told congratulations, you made a wonderful life together. Wasn't it so worth it? Tell everyone how you fell in love because no other story is as great.

But has anyone ever told you that falling in love is also one of the most painful things that you will ever do? Because it is. Falling in love is the best and worst thing you will ever go through.

Has anyone ever noticed how in all of those magical stories, some valiant prince has arrived to save the poor helpless damsel in distress? How they just look at each other and know. I have never had some guy run up and save me from anything because I save myself. I have never just looked at someone and fallen in love, but I have chased love so damn fiercely that I had no fight left in me, and it didn't last. The thing that was supposed to feel beautiful and satisfying was painful and ugly. No one tells you how hard it is to keep loving someone after ten years. No one tells you that people change and you fall out of love. No one tells you that maybe you screwed up and just because you loved each other once doesn't mean you do now, and maybe there's nothing more to fight for. No one questions the hardships of marriages that lasted, no one wants to hear about the tears shed and struggles overcome. No, just tell us all the beautiful parts, tell us how you never questioned your love for them, not even once.

I fell in love with someone who did not love me. I had never felt so beaten down, so low. I lost my confidence, I lost my trust. I was hurt, I was in pain and it was ugly. It took me years to feel the magic of a first kiss again, to let someone take care of me without questioning it every time and to believe that love was worth it. Because despite how painful and awful that was, I believe in love. I believe in a love that will last a lifetime. I believe in the struggle. I believe in the reality that I will question my love for them years down the road and they will do the same with me. I believe that when I find that person, I will fight to keep their love. I believe that maybe I will fall out of love. I believe I will hurt. I believe I will be broken at times. And I believe that love is something I want to feel. I want to love and be loved so deeply the ocean is envious. I want love.

So, is it worth it?

God, I hope so. I'll let you know when I find out.