NPR recently reported on a Moroccan talk show that taught its viewers how to hide bruises and other injuries from domestic abuse. It was ostensibly aimed towards women, who used makeup to hide the marks. The "tutorial" sparked outrage, because of its aim of hiding abuse, instead of giving victims resources. While some commenters explained that the show contributed to the stigma of domestic abuse, others scoffed at it, saying that women should take direct action against the perpetrators, instead of covering up the visible signs. However, it's never simple to get out of an abusive situation. It's dangerous, terrifying, and one of the most painful things you can experience in your entire life. There are many reasons why it's not easy for abuse victims to get help:
1. Abusers make their victims believe they aren't being abused at all.
Abusers tell their victims that they love them, even as they hurt and manipulate them. They insist that they are the only person who will ever understand the victim, and that they can never leave. They will brutally beat the victim and then apologize later, trying to make up with kindness after the fact. People get outraged at victims who love or want to stay with their abusers, but it's almost impossible not to be emotionally confused when an intimate partner hurts you that deeply. Saying that women who stay with abusive men are stupid or cowardly is victim-blaming at its best.
2. Abusers threaten with fear and real-life danger.
Physically abusive people often also emotionally berate their victims so much that they are constantly afraid, constantly vigilant. This can cause PTSD or other mental problems, many of which can make the abused person extremely anxious and afraid for their lives. Just the ideas that an abuser can put into your head can be enough to deter a person from getting help, even with loved ones pleading them to reach out or run away.
Even more, abusers that physically threaten are willing to seriously hurt or even kill their victims. If the victim tries to run away, or talks back, they will attack. Many abusers are either physically stronger or more adept at fighting than their victims, and will use brute force if they don't get what they want. If you were told that revealing your abuse, to the police or even just a friend, will get you shot, what would you do? The abuser may threaten that wherever you are, they will find you and kill you. In this kind of case, you are never safe. You are never given a chance to run away without your life being in serious danger.
2. If they fight back, even just to protect themselves, victims can be arrested instead of the abusers.
Marissa Alexander is a Florida woman who fired a warning shot after her husband chased and threatened to kill her. The shot hit the wall, and nobody was injured, including the children that were present while her husband was abusing her. Alexander was sentenced to 20 years in prison because of this. Prosecutors claimed not only that she should be jailed for endangering her husband's life, but the lives of the children as well, even though Marissa was only intending to scare off her abuser, who was definitely more of a danger to them than her.
So-called "stand your ground" laws do not apply to abused black women, even though their intention is to protect people acting in self-defense. They applied when George Zimmerman, also a Florida citizen, felt threatened enough to shoot Trayvon Martin to death, who was carrying nothing with him but Skittles and a bottle of tea. There was no warning shot in that case--Zimmerman aimed at and killed Martin, a 17-year old. But this case was still not seen the same as Marissa Alexander's. She ended up serving 3 years, a reduced but still unjust sentence. Zimmerman saw no jail time. If abuse victims risk imprisonment if they fight back, then why would anybody expect them to try it?
4. Abusers hold their victims' lives hostage.
Abusers will take their victims' money, their medication, their children, their personal items, and anything else they can use for leverage. They find out how to keep the victim with them and use it to make sure they are unable to leave without sacrificing their health, their livelihood, their home.
Restraining orders or reporting to the police can help sometimes, but even then, abusers can find ways to evade these protective measures. Too often we see headlines about women who had restraining orders, who had called the police multiple times, but were still found and killed by their abusers. Telling a victim that all they need to do is tell the police or run away is a logical fallacy. It puts the responsibility on the them, and not on the community and its law enforcement to protect them.
5. Not hiding the abuse can complicate things.
If you go to work with bruises and cuts every week, you'll get asked questions. Sometimes your boss might decide that you can't look like that while you're on the clock, so you either have to conceal it or stop working. Your family and friends might call the cops on your behalf, which could further anger the abuser and make them take it out on you.
Or maybe, like one of the people interviewed in the article said, your family and friends might do the opposite--they might pressure you to stay with your abuser, for the sake of children, marriage, or the relationship as a whole. They also might not believe you, or think that you must have done something wrong in order to be hit. In that case, public scrutiny of what's been done to you is the last thing you want to add to your situation.
To conclude:
Although it's sad to see such a highly publicized example of stigma like in Morocco, it's important not to oversimplify the reality of domestic abuse. We need to respond to victims with compassion and support, not critiques of what they're doing wrong. Abuse needs to be talked about, but not by ridiculing the victims.
