Among many of the strange things I have done in 2016, dyeing my hair was definitely the cherry on top of a shitty year.
In 2016, I lost my mom. I died the same day she did. No, I did not really die, but the girl I was died spiritually. The summer after her death, I felt rebellious. I wanted to do something that she would never approve of. I felt like I was not a daughter anymore, so why should I submit to the parent who left me? I went on a warm day in July to cut my hair. I chopped about six inches. In the chair and said impulsively, “Can you dye my hair as well?” That is when it all started. I sat in a chair for three hours. The hairdresser stripped the brown away from my hair and turned it into a platinum blonde. I then felt the brush stroking my hair, painting a vibrant blue to the latter half of my locks. After the new mane dried, I looked in the mirror at someone who looked like me, but with blue hair. My mom would have never approved of me dyeing my hair. She was OK with the notion of me dyeing it a natural color, but certainly not something that made me look like a Smurf.
I turned my stage of grief (I was probably in the anger part if I had to guess) into a hot blue mess. Mind you now, I did like the color. My favorite color is blue; I loved that my hair reflected my favorite shade. However, I dyed my hair for all the wrong reasons. I felt that maybe if I looked different, I would feel different. Maybe the new color would bring me closer to the person I was becoming. I could not have been more wrong.
The external color could not fix the broken internal state I was in. The color was just a constant reminder that I tried rebelling against my mom. I did not want it anymore. When my loathing of the hair reached its peak, I asked my friend to chop it all off in her bathroom on New Year’s Eve. So, in her bathroom in the last half hour of the year, my dear friend chopped of all the blue. As the strips of turquoise hit the floor, I felt empowered. I felt more like me.
If dyeing your hair makes you feel better about yourself, please do it. But, please do not think that a physical trait can change your overall mental state. The color of your hair cannot mend you.
