Birthdays come once a year. But for me, I feel overcome with dread when the date approaches. Why can I not be happy with having one day a year to celebrate myself?

Humans, as a whole, are a narcissistic bunch. We love to celebrate anything and everything; from the important milestones in life like getting married or graduating college, to the small things like a tee ball player winning a game. Since I have been fully immersed in this culture of celebration since I was born, you would think that I would love to have another chance to go all out and celebrate myself, even if it was just for living another year. I don't.

Now, don't take this the wrong way, I'm not against celebrating birthdays. I love to go to parties celebrating friends and family members. I even love buying them the perfect birthday gift. I just can't manage to get excited when the situation is reversed.

When I was a little kid, I loved celebrating my birthday. I got to see all my family and friends, eat cake, and of course, get a lot of presents. As I grew up, my family didn't always have a lot of money. My yearly parties got cut down to having grandparents over for cake in the evenings and every other year (I alternated with my younger brother) having a small party in the backyard with friends. I realized quickly that celebrating my birthday wasn't a fun thing for my parents it required saving and budgeting and cutting corners elsewhere. Nothing puts a damper on your birthday like realizing that it's a nuisance for other people. I stopped getting overly excited for my birthday because I could see in my parents faces that they didn't want to disappoint me if they couldn't pay for all of the things that my younger self wanted.

Now that I'm older, if my friends ask me if I have plans for my birthday and if I'm having a party, I say yes, but I do it on my own. I grab some blankets and order a pizza and set up a picnic in a field. I keep things low key. I tell my friends not to give me presents because I feel bad if they spend money on me. I tell my mom not to worry about buying snacks for my little group because I want her to be able to save her money for other things that she needs. I don't want to my birthday to be a stressful event for anyone else. The guilt I have from the years when I didn't realize what I cost my parents still lingers, and every year it brings back that dread of another birthday.

Maybe one year, when I'm completely financially independent, I won't dread my birthday anymore. Until then, I will do the best that I can to ensure that nobody else dreads my birthday.