I've been struggling with my feelings for months now. Questions have been constantly running through my mind, and I never had enough time to give a full answer to any of them. Perhaps the most important question I've come across is this: if you know someone has the best intentions behind their actions, is it okay to forgive them when their actions cause you emotional distress?
I've come to realize the answer is no.
It's easy for an outsider to see emotional abuse in a relationship, and it was probably easy for you to answer no to that question.
But it's not that simple.
Nothing can compare to the pain I felt that day my supposed best friend laughed in my face. She knew better - or at least she thought she did. But that's not why she did it. And that's not why I was hurt.
The night before, she called me at 8 pm and asked if I wanted to hang out with her and her friends when she got off work. She was celebrating her new internship and her last day of a fun filled summer before it started. I wanted to go. I really did. She called a little later to tell me she was done, but by that point, I was so overwhelmed by some ongoing issues that I needed to be alone. Well, not so much alone as I couldn't be around that many people that I didn't know. I told her I was going to bed. She sounded disappointed, but all she said was goodnight.
I had no reason to think she was upset with me.
The next day, the first thing she texted me about was some money I owed her. I told her I could Venmo her that moment. She seemed irritated so I asked if she was okay. After a few more questions - and likely some attitude from me, she told me she was mad at me for not hanging out with her the night before. I told her I was stressed out and she - and I quote - said, "I get that you're stressed but lol just lol."
My entire relationship with this girl ended at this point. I was so taken aback by this comment that I didn't respond to her for four days. I couldn't get the words out to tell her how much it hurt to hear her say that.
To her, my problems were not important. Her life was just so much tougher than mine. Regardless of who had it worse, this was not a competition. However, the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like it was always a competition.
Sorry your grandmother died, but you know I have to work.
It was actually at that point that I didn't know if our friendship would last. Nothing short of actually losing your job because you had to call out to attend a funeral would ever be reason enough to choose going to work over attending your best friend's grandmother's funeral.
But her issues were worse. She had to go to work so she could pay her bills like her Victoria's Secret credit card that she only used to buy things from Victoria's Secret or her income tax - because she made more than enough money to pay taxes.
She told me I wouldn't understand because my parents could afford to send me to college, because I didn't have to pay bills. But time and time again, I told her that I took out loans and used some personal money to pay my rent.
Her only goal in life, as far as I could tell, was to make money. But that would be easy for me because I was smart. She couldn't wait to tell everyone how good I was at math and science.
To clear up why this is an issue, I'm an English major. Never once did she give me positive feedback on articles I had written. Never once did I get a congratulations on my internship at a local magazine or when I became the editor of Odyssey at Drexel. And when I asked her about it, she told me that she didn't think it was a good idea. She told me I would never be able to work for a large company because of my degree.
What I'm about to say may be shocking - I forgave her.
How could I give up six years of friendship because she didn't believe I could succeed in my field? How could I give up someone I couldn't talk to about the serious issues in my life? How could I give up the drama and constant fighting for my own mental health?
But I did it.
Barely a month after this huge revelation did she tell me she didn't want to be friends anymore. Honestly, I don't think she meant it. But I couldn't do it anymore. I literally told her to let me go to sleep and that we could talk about it in the morning. That is how normal it felt for her to be mad at me.
Now, I'm not saying I'm perfect. I did cancel plans with her at the last minute. I did tell her my boyfriend was more important to me than she was. I gave her attitude when we got into arguments, and I waited four days to tell her I was upset with her.
I feel bad for the way I treated her, but when you're constantly faced with negativity, it consumes you and spits back at the source.
The one question I get asked the most is this: are you going to be friends with her again? While I hope the answer is no, I wouldn't be asked this if it was about an ex-boyfriend. We don't tolerate emotional abuse in relationships, so we shouldn't in friendships either.
There is a real flaw in our society where we don't teach people about healthy friendships. There aren't movies about girls who just went through a best friend break up that end with the two girls never speaking to each other again. And there's no where to turn to when this happens. You're not allowed to cry about it, but anyone who has been through it knows that you're going to anyway.
