Dating and relationships have never been my forte. It's not that I don't try at all. In fact, it's the exact opposite. I fight my absolute hardest to build a emotional connection with someone. Because in a generation of people who are only looking for sex, I want almost the exact opposite. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like sex. It's just that I want something more. I want to find someone who gives me butterflies in my stomach whenever I see them, yet when they hold me I feel safe. I am looking for someone who I can come home to every day, and build a beautiful life that I would never dream of running away from. I just want to find my best friend and soul mate, however there is always one big obstacle I have to overcome every time I really come to like someone; Getting someone to accept my baggage.
Trying to find someone who doesn't try to change me or my physical appearance is nothing short of a struggle. To find someone who doesn't get annoyed with you, every time you look in a mirror and think you look horrible, every time you refuse to wear that shirt that makes you look fat, because one time someone's words about your physical appearance weren't too kind. Trying to find someone who doesn't constantly try to convince you to give up that bacon double cheeseburger and fries, and to get a damn salad whenever you go out to eat. Trying to find someone who doesn't think that you would be so much sexier if you lost 20 or 30 pounds, but rather finds you beautiful the way you are. Trying to find someone who doesn't make me think "Maybe if I found a way to get rid of all this fat and stretch marks, they'll want me. They just might stay". Trying to find someone who doesn't leave you all alone, crying, and won't tell you "Sorry, but you're just too fat for me. I don't find you beautiful anymore" or "I don't want to commit to you since you're too fat. I don't want all my friends and everyone to judge me". To find someone whose words will not cause you to fall into a deep downward spiral where you become emotionally distant from everyone, to the point where in order to make yourself more beautiful, you starve yourself every day and you force yourself to puke. I just want to find someone who won't force me to relive any of these.
Trying to find someone who doesn't want just sex is also nothing short of a miracle these days. To want loyalty and honesty in a time where most people prove themselves to be disloyal and dishonest. I don't want to fall in someone, only for them to leave me for someone who's somehow better than I am. To not feel crazy for wanting emotional intimacy rather than just a physical attraction. To find someone who doesn't play you like a fiddle. To become trapped in a relationship where someone just emotionally abuses me and leaves me feeling destroyed and worthless, to leave my confidence broken. To find someone who, to this day, makes me feel self conscious about my body, who is so afraid to talk for the fear of being made to feel stupid. To know someone who, instead of years of memories that I want to cherish forever, gave me really bad anxiety, to the point where I will break down and cry in public. All of these things are not just my nightmares. They are nightmares that came true, because of people who I thought loved me.
These very bad experiences I have encountered have changed the person I was into who I am today. I cannot be told I am beautiful and believe it. I lost all of my confidence long ago. I cannot try new things, or do things I have always known without constantly doubting myself, all because someone once told me how I am so stupid, and went on to tell me how I would never amount to anything. All of this is only a portion of the baggage I carry. I have tried nothing but letting go. I will always hold on, out of fear that I will only get to repeat this finished chapter in the book of my life.
All this I carry, is too much for some people to handle. I just haven't found someone who can actually help me handle all this baggage. Until then, I just get to work towards letting go of my past.
