Yesterday morning I woke up feeling less than special to say the least. I find that I wake up more often than I should feeling that way in fact. While I can look through the pages of a magazine and test myself on the intricacies of "What Makes Me Attractive To Men," or intensely study all of the "Beauty Hacks Every Girl Should Know," I don't seem to walk away feeling any more content. No matter how many times I deep condition my hair in a week.
When you find yourself questioning what is it about yourself that makes you special or worthy and coming up with little to nothing, do not feel alone. If your mom was like mine, the idea that a man does not complete you was taught to us before we were even potty trained. And although she is completely right - which is pretty usual with moms - break ups and rejection can easily shake a person.
It is okay to feel the sting of rejection and the weight of pain in being left, as long as these feelings are temporary. If wallowing in bed and sad songs and cheesy romantic comedies are the remedy to your sadness, this is alright. So long as wallowing becomes walking, as long as songs ring of joy and rom-coms become sci-fi films inciting aspirations of independence and general bad-assery.
If hearing his name causes winces or stings of the heart, that is allowed, so long as, with time, it becomes a name no simpler than that of any other's. Loneliness and ache and suspicious feelings and insecurities are all side effects of separation from someone you had created an entire future with. But you are not alone and you never will be. This is because you are loved.
More than you will ever know, in fact. By one whose love has no end or capacity. This man is God and he knows just the extent of your purpose and worth. After all, he created you in his image and he is one who never makes mistakes. He loves you selfishly, demanding all of it and free from any fear of it ceasing to exist. His love is great and it will never falter or fail. There is no immaturity or infidelity in his love and he needs you to know that. It is okay to be sad, to miss them with your entire heart and to mourn the absence of them in your life, so long as you remember who will always be there to occupy it.
Today I woke up feeling hopeful. At what, I can not exactly say. It is not a specific hope so much as a general feeling. I’m going to be okay and life is going to be okay and everything in life is going to be okay. Sometimes things and plans change, but that doesn’t mean these circumstances define us. Love is lost and it can leave the soul feeling empty, incomplete even. But I have decided this is the Spring Cleaning of my life. My soul is simply freeing up more space for positive things. Like God’s love, or my own love.
After a while, being so dependent upon another, you start to become “us” and no longer you. While the simplicity of being you is scary and crippling at first, I am sure it is the only thing that will free the you of you. I am learning to be alone with myself, and I’ve found that “myself” is pretty good company.
