To the one that got away.

It’s funny the way things turned out. It’s been four years since I’ve been in a relationship. My last one was three years. After it ended, I felt lost and confused. Constantly trying to figure out what exactly it was that I did wrong. Come to find out, it wasn’t me. It was a combination of us both. He and I grew up and grew apart. Although it took me a few years to realize that, I still brought those negative feelings and views along with me.

See, there’s so much that I deal with, including depression, anxiety, and so much more. I constantly try to be someone I’m not, try to act how everyone wants me to act and try to constantly find myself in all of the wrong ways. I let my thoughts get the best of me. I overthink things and act out irrationally. Most of the time I don’t believe in myself.

And then you came along.

It’s kind of funny how things happened. A girlfriend of mine knew you. I had seen you around campus and instantly that you were handsome and had a crush on you. Not many guys can pull off the long hair and headband look but you were one of them. Or maybe’s it’s just because I’m a sucker for guys with "the flow." Later on, that girlfriend somehow told you about me, and she kept bugging and bugging you until you finally told her to give me your number. I had no idea, so I texted you. We started talking and hanging out. The only thing was that I knew you were leaving for the summer and so was I. We only had a month before those days arrived. I didn’t think anything of it. I told myself that you were a friend, and maybe when we came home things would pick up where they left off, maybe even with the potential to grow into something more. That month was amazing. I never knew that I could meet an individual who would make me feel certain things again, that would make me believe in myself again. You were everything that I wasn’t looking for and everything I never knew I wanted. You gave me many firsts. The first guy who asked me to church with him, the first guy who came over to my apartment, cooked me dinner, and then cleaned the dishes and kitchen. You understood my depression, accepted that I had good days and bad days. On a bad day, while I was sick, you brought me Gatorade, my favorite candy, and Rita’s. You went out of your way to take care of me, never asked questions about why I was feeling the way that I was feeling, didn’t tell me that it brought you down and you didn’t take it lightly. You accepted that I’m not perfect and that everyone has their bad days. You were there for me when I needed you the most. You were first guy who I could actually see myself with for a long time. Who knew that after only a month I could feel this way? Maybe it’s crazy. Maybe I'm crazy.

But the time came for both of us to leave. We talked as much as we could. With you so busy it was impossible, and I knew that. Still my feelings for you were there. I couldn’t wait to come home see you again, hopefully to pick up where we left off. But once again, I messed up. I let my insecurities get the best of me. I overthought things when I shouldn’t have. I made things into something bigger than they really were. I pushed you away when all I wanted to do was pull you closer. I ruined things.

I don’t think its love. My experience with love was in high school and my first year of college. I was a child and grew into a young woman. So I can’t say that I know what love is. But I do know that I have feelings. Feelings that I still have and will continue to have for who knows how long. Things have changed. You graduated and got an adult job, and I’m so happy for you. I’m so happy that this job is a step to getting you to where you want to ultimately be. I don’t know much about what’s going on in your life though, though I guess at this point it’s not really my business. But I hope things are going well. I hope you’re happy.

Just know that I’m here. Whenever you need me, I always will be. I care about you and always will. I think about you often. I hope that one day we can be as good of friends as we once were. I hold hope that maybe something more will happen, but who knows. Only God can decide that. Until then, you’ll continue to be the one that got away.