Which Disney Princess Would Win In A Fight?

Which Disney Princess Would Win In A Fight?

I played with titling this “Disney Princess Deathmatch,” but apparently that’s already a thing. Google it.
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Eleven young, animated women, notable for their royal birth, marriage into royalty, or act of heroism combined with box office success, enter a Hunger Games-style arena. Their goal: a fight to the death.

It would never happen. But if it did, who would come out alive?

Please note that the following list includes only the current official Disney Princess franchise princesses, not every princess that has ever been in a Disney film. Otherwise, Elsa would be there and kick all of their butts (the girl has magic ice powers).

11. Aurora (Sleeping Beauty, 1959)

Aurora’s movie has a special place in my heart as one of the few Disney films to pass the Bechdel test. But that has nothing to do with a fight to the death among princesses, besides the fact that a film about this fight would likely also pass the Bechdel test. Aurora never demonstrates any ability to fight anyone, neither physically nor verbally. She wouldn’t last a day in the arena.

10. Snow White (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, 1937)

At fourteen years old, Snow White is the youngest and smallest Disney princess, putting her at a bit of a disadvantage against the others. She also has a tendency to slide into meekness at unfortunate moments, like that time her response to getting almost murdered and lost in the woods was to sit down and apologize for making a fuss. But she has the bossiness to put seven set-in-their-ways older men into her servitude, so she could totally take down Aurora if she had to.

9. Jasmine (Aladdin, 1992)

Though she has the gumption and age advantage necessary to fend off a fourteen-year-old, this fifteen-year-old princess has lived her life in a gilded cage being groomed for marriage, not building up her self-defense arsenal. The only thing Jasmine has going for her in terms of physical fighting is her pet tiger, Raja, who while undeniably awesome is not here in the arena to defend her.

8. Cinderella (Cinderella, 1950)

Here we have a princess who has spent several years of her life doing hard physical labor. Though she lacks weapons training, Cinderella could turn the muscles she’s gained from serving her stepfamily towards a fight to the death. The thing holding her back is her complete unwillingness to harm a living creature, not even a mouse in a trap. “Have courage and be kind” is good advice for literally anywhere except a gladiatorial arena.

7. Ariel (The Little Mermaid, 1989)

Ariel was hard to place on this list, because her competence here depends on two things: is she currently a mermaid, and is the arena a watery environment? If both are true, she will dominate, as the most experienced swimmer. But if the answer to either one of those questions is no, she won’t last very long at all. She isn’t as merciful as Cinderella, though.

6. Belle (Beauty and the Beast, 1991)

I know what you’re thinking. Belle’s a bookworm! How could she be this high up on a list of people in a fight to the death? To that I say, yes, Belle is a bookworm, which means she has probably read The Hunger Games and knows what kind of tropes to play up and strings to pull to survive. It wouldn’t help her in hand-to-hand combat, but nerdiness is good for something!

5. Pocahontas (Pocahontas, 1995)

Belle may have read a book about how to survive a hostile environment, but Pocahontas has actually lived and thrived in that hostile environment. Alas, like Cinderella, she is not a willing fighter, but until that moment she tries to get between two fighting parties and dies in the crossfire, she would survive quite well in the arena.

4. Tiana (The Princess and the Frog, 2009)

Don’t get me wrong; Tiana is plenty kind. But she doesn’t let that get in the way of her beating up someone who deserves it. And if that someone is standing between her and her dreams or her family, god help them. If she had ever been trained with a weapon, she would unquestionably be in the top three.

3. Rapunzel (Tangled, 2010)

Yeah, I know, Rapunzel hasn’t had any weapons training either. But in terms of pure physical strength, no one can top her. She can lift a fully-grown adult by her hair. She knocks people out all the time with her frying pan, but when she accidentally hits herself with the same utensil, she shrugs it off. But all that number one or two on this list would have to do to beat her is get her to promise not to hurt them – Rapunzel never breaks a promise, and that would be her undoing.

2. Merida (Brave, 2012)

People may try to paint all the Disney princesses with the same brush, but there’s one thing that makes Merida truly unique: her lack of moral hang-ups. This is a girl willing to buy a curse for her mother and hold her own father at sword-point to get what she wants. That, and the fact that she’s been training in combat since she was younger than Snow White, would be almost enough to make her win this fight to the death. But she would be up against…

1. Mulan (Mulan, 1998)

People who use the word “honor” to describe Mulan are missing the point. In her film, she is under pressure to bring honor to her family. But that system of honor limits her. Her two biggest war victories are not “honorable” one-on-one hand-to-hand scenarios. They involve her shooting fireworks at people. Mulan has the physical training and capability to hold someone equally strong (or even stronger than her) off until she uses her guile to find a sufficiently over-the-top way to destroy them. And that is why she would win the Disney Princess fight to the death.

Cover Image Credit: Flickr

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18 Times Kate Middleton Was Actually All Of Us In College, Beside The Princess Thing

Every girl has to go through her clueless college stage before she reaches Duchess status.
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Kate Middleton is basically a household name by now, and how could this not be the case when she has the gorgeous hair, kind smile, and incredible fashion sense. With her constantly in the spotlight looking so put together, we sometimes forget that the Duchess was actually all of us in college!

Here are 18 times that Kate proved she was just like all of us.

1. Going all out in the name of school spirit

There is nothing like breaking out the war paint and screaming for your home team. Like Kate, we all love to get a little messy and make some memories with our friends.

2. Hanging out with the roomies

Some people may not get lucky in this area but for those who are best friends with their roommates, they understand the love. It's a dream come true for everyone who has always wanted to live with their best friends. It's like a sleepover that never ends.

3. Dressing up cute on the first day of school...

You got to make a good first impression on your way to school. Whether it's during your 7 A.M or 4 P.M., it's always best to dress to impress.

4. ...and wearing yoga pants for the rest of the year

And this goes all the way until the last week of school when you don't bother getting out of bed to wear pants at all.

5. Going grocery shopping and throwing in cookies, ice-cream, and every type of Pringles because your mom isn't there to say no

You'll probably regret that in a few months when the Freshman Fifteen kicks in.

6. Walking for miles from your car to your dorm carrying groceries

We can't park by the apartment for a solid five minutes to carry our groceries up to the kitchen or we will risk a ticket, but we can walk a few miles carrying food that gets heavier, and heavier, and heavier with every step.

7. Going out for a night on the town on a Friday night

Dancing, laughter, and fun? Everyone in college has been to a party or two. It's a classic part of the college experience. Sometimes you just need a distraction from all the essays and tests.

8. Being so late to class you threw on whatever your hands grabbed next

We've all been there. Our alarm doesn't go off, we press snooze a few too many times, or forget to even set an alarm and next thing you know we are running around the dorm room like Taz from Looney Toons. You throw on whatever, then run to class.

Unfortunately 9/10 times our outfits don't turn out. Although, Kate can certainly pull off this look, no matter how mismatched.

9. Pretending your walking to the same building as the cute boy you met so you have the excuse to keep talking to him

I am very guilty of doing this. Although I missed my class, at least I got to talk to the really cute boy who has class at 9:45 in the STEM building. It was worth it.

10. Sitting on the floor or standing because you're a poor college student who can't afford chairs or tables

Eating on the floor? Always. Being a college kid is tough and sometimes you have to sacrifice some things to obtain the others. Such as choosing chocolate milk and Halo Top over vegetables and hair conditioner.

Judging by Kate's beautiful locks, she chose the conditioner.

Probably the vegetables too.

We should just all follow her example.

11. Going on cute date with the boy you followed to class-turned-boyfriend

Now my short-lived romance may not have extended farther than us talking and walking to his class, but Kate and William obviously had a better ending. Nevertheless, college is the place to grow and date and possibly find the one.

12. Keeping your hair long and growing because you can't afford to get it cut

Don't trust your roommate. No matter how many times she begs you to let her cut it. Don't.

13. Turning 21 and getting dressed up and going out with your best friends

While this one probably doesn't apply to Kate, since you can drink at age 18 in most countries, all my people in the United States know the sweet freedom of turning 21. It's an iconic time in a students life and marks a huge milestone as well.

14. Passing out flyers for some type of movement or protest

Everyone wants to be a part of something bigger - which is why college is the time to stand up for what you believe in. May that be RedforEd, Planned Parenthood, anti-Abortion, Trump, the Wall, pizza bagels, it's all an exercise of the first amendment.

15. Ranting to your friends about the professor that just "doesn't understand you"

You know your thinking about that professor right now as you read this. And you know that that's your reaction whenever they give you a bad grade or say something you disagree with at the tiniest degree.

16. Getting glammed-up for those senior photos

Pick out your best outfit and make sure it's a good hair day because everyone will be viewing these photos forever... and in Kate's place that is more than true. Luckily she looks as gorgeous as ever. Does she ever have a bad hair day?

17. Walking out of your last class knowing you'll never have to write a single paper again

And purposefully not thinking about how you will be going into the real world in less than a few days.

18. When you've graduated and realized you have no idea what you're going to do with your life

Maybe a prince will be right around the corner to sweep you off your feet so you won't have to figure your life out.
Cover Image Credit: Laura Warshauer

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Family Portrait: A Short Story Parable

She is part of this new family, and she is not mine.

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"I can't imagine my life without Kelsey. I am so blessed to have her in my life," I say, dropping the last line of my speech. Standing in front of the crowd of attendees, microphone in hand, I raise my glass of cider and the guests join me in a toast.

"To Mike and Kelsey!" we chant. Tears glisten in the eyes of the guests. I tip my head back to prevent mine from pouring over the rims of my eyes. I already want her back.

Kelsey stands from her seat at the head of the bridal table. My speech is finished, but my admiration for her lingers like sugar on my teeth. The guests return to sipping on wine as strawberry crêpes from dinner plates tunnel down their throats.

Kelsey makes her way toward me. Her feet shift beneath thirteen layers of laced fabric, stark white and delicately shaped to dress her figure like a porcelain doll. Brown curls float to her shoulders. She's never looked so pure.

Kelsey embraces me, softly petting my hair. My eyes close for a moment before two women pull her away from me. I pull back, but I lose my grasp on her.

"Hi habibi! How are you?" one woman, her mother-in-law, says. She draws Kelsey into a warm hug, tracing ribbons along her back.

"What are you going to do now, hatta? Slice the cake?" the other woman, her mother-in-law's sister, says.

I stand beside them during their exchange, but they don't acknowledge me. I glance up at Kelsey, hoping to catch her eye. Look at me. I'm right here. Can you see? Please don't ignore me. She isn't facing me.

Kelsey and the two women begin to move away so I follow behind them, a lost puppy. My head lowers into a scowl. She cared about them now more than she did about me. They didn't care about me at all.

Trekking through the red-orange heat of the summer, Kelsey flows through the rose garden to the cake table. Petals cling to the edges of her dress as it rivers behind her. She sprouts past the flower buds to meet her husband at the cake table, laughing and shaking her curls like a lion's mane. Her skin glows as the sun kisses her face.

A new family, a new language, a new home. I don't understand this language. I don't know this culture. Baklava shimmers in the light of the sun. The mother-in-law says religion is everything in Jerusalem. Kelsey Salameh will be printed on all her legal documents. We no longer share the same family name. I want her back.

Her new family has the sun in their hearts, and they consume her whole. When she chokes on the bones in her throat, I fear she will have forgotten me. I will still want her back.

Kelsey is my sun, my center. Everyone calls her honey when she sits on a throne. She's been my queen since the day I was born. I want to be the one to shape the crown to fit her head. I made sure to stand beside her when the photographer took family portraits so when she crams her wedding pictures on her bedroom walls, I'll be painted beside her in her tiny picture frames. That way I couldn't be erased.

Kelsey will no longer just be a friend to her husband's family. She is their beloved addition, their new daughter and sister. She is legally bound to them. I want my sister back. She is part of this new family, and she is not mine.

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