On March 18th, Colgate University began mailing admission decisions. Students abroad and all over the country are deciding whether Colgate is the campus for them. While it’s too early to tell what the class of 2020 will look like, one thing is for sure. The “Colgate University Class of 2020” facebook page is already up and running. The page is probably home to several eager queries about roommates and campus life. However, once the excitement ends and actual college life begins, the posts become much more predictable. On any given morning after you can expect the following writers:
1. The Missionary
As if your parents didn’t guilt you enough, here comes a University Church member to publicly shame you. Nothing pumps up a pre-game like a notification urging you to ditch that jersey skirt for a nun’s habit. This author would much rather you stay up the hill and head down to the Drake basement for pizza and the word of God.
2. The Desperate CAB Member
Study break after study break and still no one. The creator of this post really wants you to come to this week’s Colgate Activities Board event. Drew Harris is breathing down their neck and they’re regretting putting this extracurricular on their resume. To all you readers out there, help out your local CAB member and go play Smash Bros. at Donovan’s for twenty minutes this Friday.
3. The Shivering Partygoer
PSA: Do not wear your North Face Puffer to the Jug. I repeat: Do not wear your North Face Puffer to the Jug. This writer did not heed that advice and is probably struggling to both type and combat hypothermia on Broad Street. Remember folks, four solo cups of jungle juice later and those butterfingers do not care about how much sentimental value your mom’s 1980s retro Ralph Lauren jacket has.
4. The Good Samaritan
Not sure if this kindheart soul is just lucky or if they’re an active hoarder. Regardless they have all of your discarded items from stolen jackets to laundry room socks. If you lost it, they have it.
5. The Ponzi Schemer
What may look like an innocent post about a new convenient book selling service is actually an underground pyramid trap. Don’t be fooled by this Thought Into Action entrepreneur--two slices tokens aren’t worth revealing your gate card number, social security, and blood type.
6. The Career Services Anarchist
Let’s be honest, nothing good ever comes from naviGATE. This author is here to alleviate any summer internship fears and convince you that you do not need a certified resumé. But be weary. Just like the Ponzi Schemer, their gold mine links are questionable.
7. The Identity Theft Victim
The creator of this post hasn’t done laundry in weeks. They’re losing friends after depleting their entire social group’s guest swipes. And it’s been days since they’ve felt the comfort of their own bed. But for some reason they decided it’s best to check Facebook for their lost Gate Card instead of Campus Security.
8. The Boston Bound
Sorry kids, no matter how many snacks or how much gas money you promise -no one wants to ride in a car with you for six hours.
9. The Dormless
White single female desperately seeking a kindhearted double. Parker, Newell, Birch--whatever. They just need a place to sleep next semester. This writer will do whatever it takes to convince you that 2:00 am on Saturday is a premo lottery time.
10. The Frantic Surveyor
This student’s psychology project was due three hours ago, but they still need forty more respondents. Whether or not you have strong opinions on Hamilton’s deer population, do a peer a favor and take their hour-long Google poll.
11. The Kid Who Doesn’t Even Go Here
This high school senior never left the group after declining their admission offer. They may not be on campus but they’ll still toss a like to every class council advertisement. So to all the new “Class of 2020” members out there: keep on posting.
