Often, when you date someone for a long time, people start to ask you: Have you had sex yet? In today’s society, sex is both expected but yet seen as bad. If you have sex, you can be seen as a slut but if you don’t, you’re seen as a prude. What happens when you aren’t interested in sex?
I’ve never understood why people were so interested in having sex. It never appealed to me. When I had a crush on someone, I saw myself holding their hand and laughing with them. I used to have a friend who told me how amazing it felt, and how awesome it was to have a boy pay attention to you like that. I was curious, sure, but I could never see myself in that situation. No, I’m not a prude. I am a mix of gray and demisexual. Both of these are on the asexual spectrum.
Demisexual means that you cannot experience sexual attraction unless you first make a strong emotional connection to a person first. Grey-sexual means that your sexual attraction fluctuates, many days you don’t feel the attraction, but some days, you do. More detailed and precise definitions and explanations of these can be found at Asexuality.org. It was hard to come to grips with this fact, I always thought I was just broken. Once I learned who I was, I realized it was completely normal to not experience sexual attraction. However, it can be hard to be on the asexual spectrum in this society.
From hearing my friend’s stories about their physical adventures to watching movies where having sex is the highest point of the relationship, sex is often shown to me as something amazing. I start to wonder if I have to have sex to prove that I love my partner, or just to have the experience. Except, I don’t want to. My boyfriend already knows that I love him, and I have other ways of showing other than doing physical things with him.
If you enjoy sex, then that’s great. I am in no way judging you or trying to prove that I am somehow better than you. Everyone is different. I personally don’t see myself ever having sex. Of course, that may change.
Perhaps when I get older I’ll want my own kid. For now, I really don’t want to have sex. I just hope that maybe society can stop putting so much emphasis on sex like it’s something that changes you and the way you are viewed by others. Like it’s something that will transform your relationship. Maybe sometimes sex can do that, but I don’t think that the media should portray sex as something so life-altering.
I’ll admit that I do like hearing my friend’s sex stories, and being glad that something like that wouldn’t happen to me. However, sometimes I feel guilty that I don’t want to have sex. I constantly ask my boyfriend if he’s okay with it, and if he minds that I may never have sex with him. Thankfully, he accepts me and he tells me we’ll take it one day at a time.
Ultimately, being someone on the asexual spectrum makes me feel like I’m missing out on something or that I’m weird for not caring that I might be missing out. This is who I am, and it’s something I’ve come to accept. I’m just glad I can surround myself with such amazing people.
