This is a topic I'll definitely write about more than once. I've been depressed and suicidal for as long as I can remember. I remember first being suicidal in 4th grade, I was only 9 years old at the time. I don't think I can recall a time when I wasn't depressed. I've been on every medication you can name, done counseling with more than one counselor at a time. I have tested essential oils, prescription drugs, herbs, changed my diet, became vegetarian. I've done it all.

For awhile, after I got into the seventh grade, things had become much better for me. After coming out at the end of my sophomore year, I experienced some flack from people at my conservative, Catholic school, but by the beginning of my junior year of high school, people were over it. I remember being truly happy in those years. I was going out almost every night with my friends, and I hung around a lot of different people. There wasn't a night I sat at home alone. My friends would often say that I was the life of the party and was just fun to be around. You never knew what was going to come out of my mouth or what I was going to do next. Would I be grinding on my friend Lani at a party? Would I be spraying whip cream all over Caroline as she's trying to clean? Would I be throwing shade with Dominic, Kara, and Del? Would I be grabbing brunch with my brother Vincent and talking about anything and everything? Would I be driving around town in my car listening to music with Myah? Would I be going to late night McDonald's stops with Myah and posting on my Snapchat? Would I be going on Portillo's trips with my friend Tim? Would I be going on sushi trips with my girls? The answer is all of them and so much more. I'm an extrovert; I live for the smiles on people's faces.

I hit my worst depression my senior year. I definitely wasn't getting along very well with my mom, but that isn't even the worst of it. In November of my senior year, I had been stealthed, and my heart had sunk for awhile. It wasn't the worst either though. I honestly feel I got over my sexual assault very quickly, because I wasn't going to let it ruin me as a person. The thing that did ruin me was being in an abusive relationship.

As many people know, I was engaged. I did everything I could from start to finish to make that relationship work. Things weren't always bad though. We just fought almost every single day. Long distance relationships are hard, but it's even harder being a toxic relationship. I don't want to talk about that though. Since separating, Fabian and I have gone our separate ways. I've written letters and put them aside for the time being. Maybe one day he'll receive them. He'd most likely just throw them away, which is fine. At least I tried, and he knows I always did. Maybe one day he'll sit down with me for a cup of coffee at Rooster, the place I had wanted to eat at the morning I last saw the man. By now, I'd be living in St. Louis, I wouldn't be typing this, and I wouldn't be telling my story.

My depression hit its very lowest point when I was with Fabian. I should have gotten out a long time ago, or just taken a break, but I didn't. Most people think depression is just being sad, but it's more than that. Severe depression, or Major Depressive Disorder, which I suffer from is more than just being sad. Severe depression can also mean not showering for days on end, not brushing your teeth, not eating, not drinking, and just not taking care of yourself at all. I have done every single one of these.

There were days when I would wash my hair in a sink with shampoo, but not actually take a shower. I'd just throw on some cologne and call it a day. After all, I was just a "lost cause" to quote someone who said this to me. Brushing my teeth also became a struggle. I was pretty good at brushing at least once a day, but twice was no longer a thing for me. I also used to use mouthwash every morning and night, and that was no longer a thing at all. I completely stopped eating many times, and I rarely drank water. I just couldn't pull myself together, and my partner who was supposed to make me feel loved didn't necessarily make me feel that way.

He was a shoulder to cry on after my sexual assault, but as times went on, I felt like I could no longer rely on him. Who are you supposed to turn to when the person you always turned to no longer cares to hear what you have to say. "Overemotional," "overdramatic," and "Just be happy" were all things that I heard from him.

He just didn't understand, and because of that our relationship and my mental state continued to spiral downwards. I had extremely high expectations, and whenever I was feeling sad, I wasn't supposed to talk, but if I didn't talk, he'd get upset with me. "You're always sad, and no one wants to be around someone who is sad. If you can't be happy, just keep it to yourself" was a common text message I got whenever I was feeling anxious or depressed.

I pulled away from my friends. It's something I've always been good at doing when I'm depressed. I completely disappear, stop responding to messages, avoiding conversation, dreading work, and let me tell you, I love work. I get to work with people and get to know people, and that is exactly what an extrovert like me loves doing. I also work for a nonprofit in Chicago where I get to work with young people and get to inspire them to be themselves and open their eyes to different views points and opinions. Working for that nonprofit is my life! I love doing it because when I was a sophomore in high school, they opened my eyes and gave me the strength to come out as gay. I continue to work for this company and help inspire so many others to embrace who they are... but guess what? My severe depression I experienced had me avoiding all work with them. They are a volunteer group, so I almost rarely stayed active in the community. How could I inspire others to feel full and proud when I felt empty and like a "lost cause."

My friends will tell you that when I'm depressed it's almost unnoticeable because I am the life of the party. I'm always laughing, always got a snap of my finger in the air, always sassy, loud, funny, and just positive. That's the problem with depression; it's more than just being sad. It doesn't have any real symptoms, because I'm not sad all of the time, but I am definitely depressed all of the time. Have you ever been at your graduation party dancing to "Eenie Meenie" by Justin Bieber but also wanting to jump from the water tower?

Yes, I'm suicidal, but don't be afraid. I'm not any harm to myself. I don't self harm, or do any drugs that could potential mess with my psyche. I have the thoughts of suicide, and I first had them when I was 9. Back then, jumping from the water tower was always the dream I had, probably why that one rings in my head to this day. I have never self harmed, cut myself, or anything along those lines. If things have gotten really bad for me, I have always made sure to just fall asleep. Often times, I wake up feeling drained, but it's better than feeling suicidal.

I didn't intend for this article to be nearly this long, and at this point, it just seems like a jumbled up mess, but so is my depression. This isn't the last time I'll write about my depression. It's more than just this. It has explanations and reasons, but for the time being I just wanted to write a rough draft I guess you could say of what it feels like. I wanted this to be what leads into my depression and how I've fought back the suicidal thoughts and how I did everything I could to make sure I'm still here. I have people I still need to take care of. I have people I still need to inspire. I have people who still need me. My story isn't over yet, and neither is yours. Don't give up. If you need someone, I'm here for you.