My whole life, was governed by dancing. This is what I realized what it's like for the performer in yourself dies.
When I was a little girl I always looked up to my big sister. To me, she was the best dancer in the world, and I wanted to be just like her. So I would go down into the basement and dance my heart out! I wanted to dance just like Gretchen.
I had been watching The Nutcracker since I was in the womb, no seriously, my mom was pregnant with me while she attended the Nutcracker every year with her students. Every year after I would see it, I would be inspired to run downstairs and pretend to be Clara in The Nutcracker. I did this over and over and over again. One day I actually got the role. The night I performed as Clara was the best night of my life. I felt like I was the star for once! And then after that, it was back into the back row I went. The favorites of the teachers always got the lead roles. But I didn't stop me.
In my basement, I was the star of my own show. I would imagine that I was on a stage and everyone in the audience were famous people that wanted to watch me dance. I would dance for hours down there and never get tired. It felt so good to be the star.
Soon after I moved to a new studio to dance with. I was so excited to start this new chapter, to become a better dancer and go professional! I still looked up to Gretchen but I found other dancers to look up to as well. Wendy Whelan, Connor Walsh, Melody Herrera, and Tyler Angle. All principal dancers of their elite companies. I wanted to be a Wendy, I wanted to be like Melody.
After a lot of hard work...it didn't pay off. My ballet teacher didn't like me. I couldn't jump well, my legs are too bowed, and my body started to grow leaving her unhappy no matter what I did.
"You're flexible, but that's all you really have goin' for ya."
"Heidi! Suck in your fat, and do the combination right!"
"The only way you could make it in the ballet world is with magic fairy dust."
After hearing comments like that over and over, my passion began to fade. "What if I really am that bad." "After injuries to the ankles like that it doesn't seem as likely..."
"I'm years behind where I should be...should I even bother?"
...
My last performance there after being with that studio for 4 years, I wept. It was the last time I would ever perform as a ballerina. I was truly heartbroken.
After choosing not to take the path of ballet anymore, I was so lost. All my life my dream was to dance. Now after all these years, I have to pick something else. I pursued other interests, but I never got anywhere.
I was back in my basement again. It felt different this time. After a long time, I could dance like myself again, I wouldn't be called names for how I dance, I wouldn't be put in the back. I would be the star of my own show.
This performer may have died, but this dancer is truly alive.
