Just like writing, I find it easier to communicate my feelings through music and lyrics. The written word is so much easier for me to express. Sometimes the song says what I couldn't put into words, and then there are times it feels like a song comes into my life at the perfect moment. It doesn't matter if I've heard it my entire life, or for the first time. I can always count on music to make sense of my life.

If you've read my previous articles, then you know I've struggles with infertility for quite some time. As I am writing this, I will be going in for an emergency hysterectomy tomorrow, July 18, 2017. Emotionally, I am pretty strong. I can handle a lot of things. This struggle took me down hard, though, and the thought of a hysterectomy, necessary or not, has only intensified my emotions. I always turn to music when things get this hectic.

This list of songs and lyrics are what mean the most to me in this very moment in time.

1. “Ever the Same” Rob Thomas

We would stand in the wind

We were free like the water

Flowing down under the warmth of the sun

Now it’s cold & we’re scared

Hey, look at us, man this doesn’t need to be the end

Just let me hold you while you’re falling apart

Just let me hold you, and we’ll both fall down

2. “If You Ever Did Believe” Stevie Nicks ft. Sheryl Crow

You’ve left me now, and it’s seasoned my soul

And with every step you take, I watch another part of you go

I continue to build a wall

You were so strong, I fell to my knees

And I don’t think I can handle this at all

3. “Ready for a Fall” P.J. Olsson

The darkness has no armor

Need protection from the air

High hopes through time passing

When I see, I want you there

I can’t believe you’re the one for me

If it was this easy to find you

I should be ready for a fall

4. “The A Team” Ed Sheeran

An angel will die, covered in white

Closed eye, hoping for a better life

This time, we’ll fade out tonight

Straight down the line

And they scream

The worst things in life come free to us, cause we’re just under the upper hand

5. “The End of the Innocence” Don Henley

This song reminds me of my childhood and parents in more than one way. I remember sitting in the very back of our ugly brown station wagon (remember the ones that had the seats facing the opposite direction?). This song would come on, and my mom or dad would turn it up for me to sing along with. I was probably only five or six at the time. Today, the song still reminds me of those times singing along to the radio, all the windows down as we drove in our ugly family car. Today, the lyrics mean so much more than they ever could back then.

Remember when the days were long

And rolled beneath a deep blue sky

Didn’t have a care in the world

With mommy and daddy standing by

When “happily ever after” fails, and we’ve been poisoned by these fairy tales

Offer up your best defense

This is the end of the innocence

6. “Whatya Want from Me” Adam Lambert

Just don’t give up, I’m working it out

Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down

It messed me up

Need a second to breathe, just keep coming around

I wouldn’t even try, but I think you could save my life

7. “Not Easy” Alex Da Kid ft. X Ambassadors, Elle King & Whiz Kalifa

We were two dumb kids, full of grand ideas

We knew this would end from the start

From fire we burned

You and I we learned

It’s not easy breaking your heart

We were two dumb kids, full of hopes and fears

Growing further and further apart

8. “Good Grief” Bastille

Every minute of every hour, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more

Every stumble and each misfire, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more

You might have to excuse me, I’ve lost control of all of my senses

And you might have to excuse me, I’ve lost control of all of my words

9. “Mama, I’m Alright” Miranda Lambert

I listen to this song almost daily. I feel like it was written for me, and on those days I’m missing my mama something fierce I put this on repeat. Other days I can’t handle listening to it. It all depends on what is going on in my life at the moment. These days, when I really need a mom the most, this song helps pull me through.

Every day at noon like a chapel bell

Find her, Jesus, and keep her well

Help her do more right than wrong at the end of the day…

She loves me more than anything

And she wants the world for me

Mama, I’m ok out here

I’ve seen how hard the world can be

My step is sure, and I know my name

I’m strong just like you prayed I’d be

10. “Teach Your Children” Crosby, Stills & Nash

This is another song that reminds me deeply of my childhood. It always seems to play just when I need to hear it.

Teach your children well

Their father’s hell did slowly go by

Teach your parents well

Their children’s hell will slowly go by

Don’t you ever ask them why

If they told you, you would cry

So just look at them and sigh

And know they love you

11. “Never Going Back Again” Fleetwood Mac

One of my favorite groups to this day (I still listen to their albums on a record player), I owe my mother for my love of Fleetwood Mac. This song has been on repeat as I go through this particular journey. The lyrics might have been written with a whole other meaning in mind, but I hear them differently, especially with the music playing behind them.

You don’t know what it means to win

Come down and see me again

Been down one time

Been down two times

Never going back again

12. “Breathless” Better Than Ezra

Here you are now, fresh from your wars

Back from the edge of time

And all that you were, stripped to the bone

I thought you’d want to know that when the world is crashing

All around your feet, come running headlong into my arms

Breathless

13. “Wild Child” Enya

My mama called me wild child almost from the start. When she heard this song by Enya she said it was written for the parts of me I don’t always let people see. And just like she used to tell me, I listen to these lyrics when I can’t quite find my way.

Ever close your eyes, ever stop and listen?

Ever feel alive, and you’ve nothing missing?

You don’t need a reason, let the day go on and on

14. “Here’s to the Night” Eve 6

Put your name on the line

Along with place and time

Wanna stay, not to go

I wanna ditch the logical

Here’s a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here’s to the nights we felt alive

Here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry

Here’s to goodbye, tomorrow’s gonna come too soon

15. “You Found Me” The Fray

In the end, everyone ends up alone

Losing her, the only one who’s ever known

Who I am, who I’m not, and who I wanna be

Lost and insecure, you found me

16. “Look After You” The Fray

There now, steady love

So few come and don’t go

Will you, won’t you be the one I’ll always know?

When I’m losing my control, the city spins around

You’re the only one who knows, so slow it down

17. “Beautiful World” Jim Brickman

Your winter skin warming in the summer sun

We know within, you will stay forever young

You fell asleep under the starlit sea, it’s time to wake up

The moon in high above you

We’re all here cause we love you

18. “Catch My Breath” Kelly Clarkson

I’ve spent most of my life

Riding waves, playing acrobat

Shadowboxing the other half

Learning how to react

I’ve spent most of my time

Catching my breath, letting it go

Turning my cheek for the sake of the show

Now that you know this is my life

I won’t be told what’s supposed to be right

19. “Young Blood” Naked and Famous

We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight

You keep my secrets hope to die, promises swear them to the sky

Can you whisper, count up all your mistakes

Pair of forgivers, let go before it’s too late

The bittersweet between my teeth, trying to find the in-betweens

Fall back in love eventually

20. “Featherstone” The Paper Kites

Wake up to the sound of your fleeting heart

When you go, what you leave, is a work of art

On my chest, on my heart

And we’ll hate what we’ve lost, but we’ll love what we find

And oh I’m feeling fine, we’ve made it to the coastline