I have loved and lost many times. Each time hurting no matter how short or long the relationship lasted. I know no bounds in love. Sadly, this usually means nights- sometimes even weeks- of constant crying. For me, loving is my second nature. I fall fast and I fall hard. I'm far too trusting. Unfortunately, I spend more time hurting because I'm overlycommitted than actually being loved by others.

As I suffered through my most recent lost, I felt a pain that words cannot begin to describe. My soul cried alongside my heart as both tried to hold together the shattered pieces of myself. My love for this person had crushed me thoroughly. Suddenly, to love became so painful, and I felt trapped. I felt like I was walking on glass constantly, like each word would be the "end-all". I would choke on my words. I wouldn't say how I felt because I wanted to avoid a fight. My life became more and more about pleasing this person than doing what was healthy for me. I wouldn't let go and held on for dear life to what I knew. I had loved this person for so long, and the hope of a reunion kept me hanging on longer.

I refused to give up under the disguise of "I love him". I stayed committed to a dead relationship. I became so obsessed with pleasing him and making him happy that I started suffering beyond recognition. Yet, to speak of my feelings would mean losing him. So I kept my fake smile on my face and said everything was ok. My true feelings were hidden behind pretty lies and fake smiles.

My love became a knife in my chest, and I was the one twisting it furth and deeper into my soul. I refused to give up because I'm not a quitter and "there's still hope", but when I woke up and realized what I was doing to myself, I began to wonder... do I want to live in this fear that I can't be honest because I'm scared that he will leave me? The answer is no. I want to be able to be open with my feelings and talk about them without fear of ruining my relationship because I'm human and actually have emotions. Despite the unwavering love I had for this person, it was destroying me. Love became a burden rather than a blessing. I spent more nights crying over the fact that I still loved him than seeing a future with him. So many times I wanted to hate him... yet I couldn't because I loved him.

Love was to painful, but I still held on. I still tried, I still stayed committed. Until one night, I said "I can't do this anymore..." That prompted a conversation where I said "we get through this together or we move on." After months of supporting and staying committed to this guy, even after he initially left me, I was told that I more or less wasn't worth the effort. He told me I wasn't worth the effort or the fight to make things work. He had made this decision without telling me and had no plans to tell me he had chosen that path.

My mom told me "you deserve better. You deserve someone who will stay ascommitted to you as you are to them. You deserve someone who will love you the way you love them." My mom wasn't the only one who told me I deserved better; even my friends were furious at my state of affairs and would continue to encourage me to move on. The night that i had the conversation where the guy I had love unconditionally told me I wasn't worth it, that night I cried for hours. My eyes were swollen to the size of ping pong balls- no exaggeration- and moving from bed was the last thing I wanted. I was mad that God didn't give me what I wanted. Yet, I realize now that God has a plan for this. Yes it's awful that I feel this way right now, and I was beyond convinced this guy was perfect. Then it occurred to me, when I find the person that I'm meant to be with, that God has intended for me... love won't be painful, love won't make me cry at night because I feel destroyed. The person God intends for me will be more perfect and more kind. Loving them will not be painful, and loving them will be such a blessing that words could not describe it.

Loving wasn't meant to hurt. For now, I trust God because He is the All-Loving Father and his love knows NO bounds. Of course, He will provide me someone who loves me unconditionally and I will be worth the effort to them. Until then, love will no longer hurt me because that's not what God intended love to be.