"Where there is no vision, the people perish..."
-Proverbs 29:18
Have you ever lost your sense of vision? Have you ever lost track of your purpose, the underlying reason to live? I have, and I can say from experience that it brings about a slow perishing, a monotony that ebbs away at the soul. I had a clear idea of what I was supposed to do. You could even say I knew my 'calling', to a significant extent. I'd started out on making this vision a reality multiple times, only to slowly move away from it over time. I started to doubt that I understood it correctly. I started to fear that I'd spend so much time chasing something that would never come to fruition. I even started to think I knew better. I became wise in my own eyes (Proverbs 26:12). Paradoxically, considering one's self-wise is foolishness, even worse than foolishness because it travels under the guise of wisdom, blinding us from areas of ignorance and causing us to ignore the warning signs before the wrong road. Again, this was always a gradual slide, a slow drift from that which I'd been called. Eventually, I told God:
"I know you want me to do this...
I just can't anymore...
I'll accept the consequences."
Those consequences were some time in coming, but come they did. I was doing fine for quite a while--doing what I thought was best, having some success...and ignoring nagging reminders that I was going it alone, away from God's plan. Like I said, things were generally going well. So why as time passed was I feeling more and more bleh? Almost empty, almost depressed. I had a very bad week when I slept every free minute of my days. I still went to classes for school, still made it to work, but whenever nothing was required of me, I was sleeping. I simply thought that my dreams were better than the reality I was facing. I didn't want to spend any more time awake than I had to. This terrible week started out with thoughts of what could have been. Everything suddenly came to mind and it crushed me:
What have I done?
What should I have done?
What should I be doing?
That week I went back and forth (when I was awake) wondering if such guilt could come from God, or if it was from somewhere else. If I should change something, or just keep pushing forward. "I can't go back now, I've come too far." I sunk lower. And lower. I hit my rock bottom and bounced. Only then did I begin to pray:
"I'm sorry...
I know I screwed up...
I'm ready now to give you all of me."
There was an instant change. Suddenly I saw it--I couldn't act any longer like I was making my own purpose. It didn't work and wouldn't work. I got back on the right track, and it's made all the difference since. However, I'm still dealing with consequences. It's hard to come to grips with the time I spent in freefall, the time I have to make up for now. It won't be as easy now, but this is the only way to go. I know that now.The day after I came to this realization, at church the pastor said something that really struck me: "After you're a believer, it feels so bad to go against God's will. It's like you're going against yourself, against your very being."
Or, your purpose. That fountain of motivation which makes life joyful, work a joyful task, relationships joyful endeavors...and it's not too late to get that back.
Source: Chris Sorensen at the Mission Chattanooga
