Living the Rory Gilmore life that I do, I've read a lot of books. Unlike Rory Gilmore, however, I am an exceptionally bitter individual who will judge you (and judge you harshly) based upon your reading habits. If you make it known that some of these popular authors are your favorites, here's what my mind is actually correcting your words to:
Mitch Albom
You don't want to read books so much as you want to read a loosely-stitched-together collection of greeting cards. Even though you may like to read shallow books, though, your personality is a ray of sunshine as you want to make everyone around you happy. You probably have a Bible verse in your Twitter bio that I can't be bothered to look up - but I'm going to assume that it has something to do with loving thy neighbor or finding forgiveness. Well I don't forgive your taste in books, but you're probably a good person anyway.
Leigh Bardugo
You have excellent taste. I am definitely, definitely not just saying that because Six of Crows is my favorite fantasy series of all time. Definitely not. You have a penchant for fast-paced stories with diverse sprawling ensemble casts, and you secretly want to plan your own adventure. People probably assume one thing about your character that end up being dead-wrong.
Cassandra Clare
If you honestly believe that YA contemporary fantasy doesn't get any better than The Mortal Instruments, you probably haven't read much in the genre - even though you clearly enjoy it enough to read 10 books within it. (Or is it 11? 12? How many books has she been allowed to publish now?) You also probably have way too much faith in things that keep disappointing you over and over again - or you're just painfully oblivious. How many bad screen adaptations do you need to get the message that maybe the source material is the issue?
John Green
Did Looking For Alaska change your life? Did Paper Towns completely rock your worldview, and now nothing else can compare? If so, then you're probably the kind of person who likes the idea of reading and the concept of books, but can't be motivated to do much reading without someone recommending a book for you. Your interest in reading has more to do with wanting to highlight profound-but-unlikely quotes to post onto Tumblr in fancy fonts, than it does wanting to read a complicated story. That's cool. You're a person of simple pleasures.
E. L. James
I don't even need to tell you what kind of person that you are if E. L. James is your favorite author. You already know.
Stephen King
You like to dig into a book, but it's not important to you to think too hard about it. Your life is about chasing easy thrills that are guaranteed to hit their mark, but which don't involve too much risk - you know exactly what you're in for when you crack open a King novel. But hey, life is too short to waste time reading books that you don't like, so you may as well read books that you do.
Harper Lee
You read To Kill A Mockingbird in 9th grade, and nothing has been the same since. You are deeply sensitive, and take all injustice to heart. You probably still cry every time that you watch Lilo and Stitch. You should go into politics, because all that you want is to make the world a better place.
Stephenie Meyer
It's 2017. If Stephenie Meyer is still your favorite author, I'm not even mad. You can have fun with your cardboard cutout of Robert Pattinson.
George Orwell
You haven't read a book since high school English class. You don't understand a lot about metaphors, but you're pretty sure that the message of one of these books is something smart-sounding. Communists bad, capitalists good? Big Brother is watching your reading list? Does anyone actually enjoy reading Orwell for the literary experience of it, or is that just a lie told to us in middle school? Something about Russia? You're either paranoid or getting there.
Chuck Palahniuk
If Fight Club revolutionized your life, either you're a freshman in high school (like I was when Chuck Palahniuk's style became my writing inspiration) or you're a boy whose tastes about match those of a freshman in high school. Consumerism and violence? Definitely subversive. Definitely. Or maybe you just really love the Panic! at the Disco album "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out" which (spoiler alert) is based almost entirely on Palahniuk non-sequiturs. Chuck Palahniuk is like the Ryan Murphy of novel writing; the early stuff was good, but if you swear that you find deeper meaning in books like Beautiful You, I can guarantee that you're pulling it directly from your butt.
James Patterson
How can you even say that James Patterson is your favorite author when so many of his books are ghostwritten? Asking for a friend. If he is your favorite, though, then I don't even have anything to say about you. Like, there's nothing to even say. You have the personality descriptors of a damp paper towel.
Sylvia Plath
Two options: either you need to be giving people help, or you should be receiving it. Or maybe you just love the literary merit of The Bell Jar. Please don't stick your head in an oven.
Ayn Rand
You're libertarian in such a way where you're trying to convince people that it's an intellectual move, rather than an ideological one. "I'm not against [x], but the ECONOMICS!" is probably your rallying cry. Enjoy reading what you want, but the only people who buy into that are other conservatives who also espouse Atlas Shrugged. Sorry to burst your bubble. You're like the George Orwell fan, but on 'roid rage.
Rainbow Rowell*
You spend way too much time on Tumblr and probably identified way too much to Cath from Fangirl. You also likely self-identify as an introvert, and your social media bio-line is something along the lines of "socially awkward pizza lover." If your favorite is Eleanor and Park, I'm going to assume that you probably oversexualize Asian people to the point of near-racism. John Green is too mainstream for your obviously-highly-developed tastes.
*NOTE: Carry On is one of my least favorite books, ever, so I may be biased on this one.
J. K. Rowling
Either you're a purist who knows exactly what they're after, or you just can't think of anyone better. You know what? You're probably right. Props to those of you who aren't afraid to seem cliche and can accept that Harry Potter is popular for good reason. You are proud and embrace yourself fully, and I respect that.
J. D. Salinger
Nobody gets you. Nobody understands. Adolescence has been so hard on you. Alternatively, you just have unconventional taste in headwear.
Nicholas Sparks
Escapism is your middle name. You want nothing more than to have a Lifetime movie romance, and that reflects in your taste in books. Your belief in love and romance is strong, to the point where you can read books where the cover is white-people-almost-kissing-in-the-rain over and over again. Your dedication is admirable, if not a bit confusing to the rest of us.
J. R. R. Tolkien
Your life is probably so much more interesting than everyone else's, because your love for classical folklore can be your escape from the banalities of modern life. Your focus is enviable. If you can read that many pages about a tree or whatever, you can probably solve the equation to find the secrets of the universe. The kids from "Stranger Things" have nothing on you.
Kurt Vonnegut
Life would just be so much better if people would stop being terrible and killing each other, and if they would start, I don't know, planting trees instead. You're deeply sensitive, and not in a J. D. Salinger-misanthropic-loner kind of way; no, you're on a lifelong journey to find your karass, the people with whom you belong and the life in which you are meant to live, and you aren't quite there yet. If Kurt Vonnegut is your favorite author, I kind of want to give you a hug.
If you have a favorite author who I didn't mention in this listice, let me know in the comments, so I can roast your taste in books, too! I am nothing if not an equal-opportunity roaster of opinions!
